……..feelings….

i don’t know what’s happening.I am feeling so uncomfortable,i actually can’t understand how i am feeling right now. It’s like everything is out of my control,i don’t know what i am thinking and why? Every new discussion making me feel like i am wrong.I am so confused,i seriously don’t know what do i want,what am i doing? God help me,please. I am just loosing sight of everything. I want to go to an america and start my life there, just as my,i want to make that country my first home,is that wrong? Tell me God,i can’t choose my own way to live my life? 

I want to help people,i want to help them  in every possible way but i can’t .When my sister was telling me that because of some people,other people are facing problems. Then,i felt bad that people are problem here and i am doing nothing about it. Like,what’s happening even if i stay here,then what will i do? How can i make difference? People don’t even care that i am here or not,i can’t join politics cause i hate it.I hate that people thinks money gives them happiness that’s why i don’t wanna do this.The fact is by going to america i will learn,i will get a mentor and some friends to make my dream a reality. That’s i don’t have here.I don’t hate my country,neither i am gonna forget where i came from, i just wanna be somewhere  i can feel myself. I don’t wanna be an activist,i am not Mahatma Gandhi,i am ‘Jyoti’,i love the power of caring and love one people has for other that’s “the humanity”:the best part of being human.

I know what do i want,i am doing what i want then why i am not feeling relaxed,why i am so afraid and confused.I know myself much better than i used to before. I was writing something in my application yesterday,and i found out that i was just listing the circumstances that i have been till now and those circumstances are not me. My actions,my thinking, my perspective and my feelings that’s what defines me,this is who i am? Every day i fight with myself knowingly or unknowingly but that helps me to grow,know about myself more.

I think i know why i am feeling panicked,because my past experiences is affecting my present.Just because,i have failed several times doesn’t mean i am stupid or  wrong. I am also human,i can also  feel broken and that’s okay, i am not gonna loose just because i never pass until now. It’s okay if i feel guilty,it’s okay if i feel miserable cause these are also part of me,it’s okay if i feel sad it’s okay if i am confused cause,all this is a part of who i am. What’s important that i never forget who i am,that i am not harming any one. That what i am doing is not only best for but for whole humankind.I am only one and i am also gonna focus on only one thing-spreading happiness. I am just as free as a bird the whole sky is mine and whole land and ocean,i mean the planet earth is my home. India is not my country,it’s one place where i born;just one very smaller part of my home.I am a human not only an indian. I love people not only indian.

So what i will do is to help people not only indian.Every good or bad experience is just a part of me.

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My real identity.

Since the last two days,one thing is really stressing me-about my identity. I was questioning myself that why do i want what i want. It is so difficult for me to spend these two days, i was feeling so lost and miserable. From the last two days,the way i was feeling just like i have lost everything,like i am not alive  anymore. I was feeling alone and like nowhere to go.The question was-is it right to leave this country to live my own life? The change i wanna make is deserve to be started from my own country,that my first responsibility is to serve my own people?But who are those “my people”,whom can i call my people? So,just because i born here,just because very few people whom i call my own live here,is this the thing stressing me out,making me feel guilty and selfish. Why am i afraid of living for myself and thinking about my ethnicity? All these relationships have come to me because of my father,all this identity of mine is not really mine,i am not here because i chose to be here, I am here because that’s my father choice,this all has been gifted to me by my parents. That’s not my identity,that’s not who i am.

I am who i think i am,i am who i see myself ,i am who i feel every moment, i am who that i am feeling guilty about for being guilty. But i am not doing anything wrong, i am just being ME. I just want to listen to myself,do only i want to do,not because this is what i should be doing because that wouldn’t be me,that would be my  values that has been possessed on me by society,by other people,by culture since all these year. I am feeling bad because i am seeing myself differently that i used to see myself. But,not anymore,no more social,cultural and any values which are stopping me to being my true self.

I am independent and free that means ,i am allowed to be me and why i will hide myself.I will go to america because that’s what i want ,this is me . I will and can live anywhere because,i won’t let anyone classify me into any category because that’s not their job. It’s my life and it’s my job to see where i wanna belong.

How i am ignoring myself to be the one that i never was.

I am applying for college still…..,yeah for the 5th time. And i am worrying about not failing again and that’s why every single thing that i read or watch makes me feel like i was not at all near to all those 99% of students who are getting every year into college. I keep worrying about that i didn’t volunteer,i didn’t do any job and i also didn’t do community service;this all makes me think that will the college will consider me as a potential student,starving for knowledge to make a change? Every day i fight with myself in my head:one that’s keep saying that you are showing your honesty and your true self to college,they want diversity and realness but then on the other side there is fear of not being a complete student who is good in every field. One time i think that i should trust myself ,i am not useless,yes if i don’t have much knowledge of outer world much but i have some invaluable experiences that changed me completely:my perspective. Sure, i do not have a pretty cool degree on paper but i have so much in my heart and head. I am a girl who has lived a life without her mother since age of 8 and learn everything by herself from relationships forming to living yourself to sex education to becoming a fighter.

Yes, i have doubts and fear because that happened so often that broke my optimistic attitude, i have a dream and wish to make it a reality one day.I try everyday to stand against this doubt and fear, i fight everyday so that i can reach my dream reality. I don’t know anything that how this world works and how all this college gonna accept me but i know that i am gonna try no matter what happens,no matter how hard it’s going to be because i don’t know what will i do if i won’t do this.

I hope one day i will be reading these articles  when i will be in my college and looking back the hardship i faced so that i understand why i did this.I seriously don’t know what is the objective meaning of hardship but this is what for me:filling like i am just stuck somewhere,hoping that my brother wouldn’t get angry with me and my father will stop worrying about us.I am gonna give my best every time don’t know how many times,but this is who i am, i can’t do a job that’s bothering me neither i am gonna do volunteer just to be appear good,i will keep trying but as i am not to be fit into the college criteria. All my life i learn to take care of myself,my sisters ,our family that has taught me enough to be a good human being and i am happy doing this . Love helping my sister and my father to make this family work together,love is everything for us.

Something that’s keep missing.

Once i had seen the strongest face of family love and strength of relationship. My aunts and uncle all was standing with us and my father in an unusual situation. That time i had seen the power of love has,how it healed the really deep wounds. Everyone had showered love upon us. But that time wasn’t for always,with increasing age of mine that bond of relationship started to weakens. Now that place of love has taken away by money. This need of money was too much stronger than the power of love. It is like tsunami which has power to force the strongest tree to fall to the ground. After the tsunami,life never appears as beautiful as it was before. That’s whats happen to life and relationships. Now no one loves us unless we are not giving them financial support. They will love and respect us only if their money-needs get meet from us. This is really painful for me whom i used to call my mother or seen her as one,now i can’t even think of talking to her.

Something that was so important for a family to be unite ,now has lost under the mud of money. This missing love has made me realize it’s importance that why i need to understand the place of money and love have in my life,how i need to make a balance between the love and money . I feel great to have at least few relationships that are woven by love and care even now. And in order to not to lose this precious gift of beautiful life, i need to keep enlightening the light of love. For that we just need to keep feeling the depth of ocean of honesty,love and humanity in our heart. A world where a father never give up on loving his child even the child themselves has their grandchildren,and mother never miss to cry when she hold her child into her hand no matter that her hand has that strength or not. We human are social animal and so we need this love and interaction of our loved ones. We should never forget the meaning it gives to our life,love should never be lost from our world so never loose them who you love just because of money.

Complicated emotion..

Yeah right, it is complicated because relationships are. It is cause we plan something and reality becomes something else. Same was with me, I was believing in some fairy tale love from not so real person but I think that’s the way it is. Right now, I am thinking about it because if I won’t now then it’s going to make me confuse all the time. Actually, I am thinking about the emotions I am feeling right now. And this is not at all the feeling of love for that person. It is actually why I do care or affect with his name. Maybe because no one forgets their first love, it was stupid but I had. So, do I need to really affected by him or I just relax? Of course the second one. Thinking of it, I don’t see him in my life again never. Because I would never trust people like him and the second thing I have learned from that is I love my independence and I don’t need someone to tell me what I need to do or control my life at all.

I am thankful to my ex because of him I have learned a great lessons about people and their behavior at least a smaller view. I have realized that I am who is important to me. I love myself because no body does me and thanks to everyone that has taught me love myself.

So, I think what’s really important that I give time to myself and see why that emotion is complicating. And I did and it help me to understand that all I need to listen to me. And everything will become clear.

That hard time.

It’s not always easy to be strong all the time. We are humans and we cry when we get hurt and feel low when things are tough. How I am feeling now is not easy to explain. I am scared of letting down my own expectations and also responsibilities towards my loved ones. I definitely feel alone sometimes,there is no one I can talk about my concerns. Something that I can’t tell my family at least cause I don’t want them to worry about me. This is the best place where I can say anything about my feelings. Cause I am pretty sure that no one is interested in my blog writing. It’s scary to plan such a big step but I keep saying to myself that I am unique that’s why I am doing this. There is ocean of uncertainties and I am moving with just a boat of positivity and believe. The current of ocean is continuously trying to unbalanced my boat but I can’t give up. I believe i have one quality of not giving up and I will keep going on with it. Will I drown or cross the ocean? don’t know ,but I’ll carry on. However hard it’s going to be, I will not give up. Because it’s not mere a dream to cross the ocean but it’s a wish of being free and independent.

I wanted my father and brother to be proud on me. By the way, my younger sister is also on a mission of being herself and create an identity of herself. I feel really proud to see her determination and hard work .

I have learned one thing during this whole scary thing that life is mixture of sweetness and bitterness. Sometimes you are delighted to have sweet but you also need hot flavour sometimes. Sometimes you don’t expect and it happens ,I believe that’s the beauty of life. Good night to me.

Teachers of my life.

If I would say one name then it will be unfair to everyone who has become teachers of my life whether directly or indirectly. This list is quite big but on top of this is “my father”. My father is more than a parent to me,he is my bestest friend,a support an inspiration and an idol and it goes on like this. When I think of him I see all those sacrifices,care and hard work to become our mother too. Few times I feel guilty that I hurted him several times and do not understand him but he always shown his immense love. I guess that’s what we called parent is. You know my father is someone whom I cannot describe in words.

Another lesson I got from musicians and 2 of them are “Justin bieber and BTS”. Of course I have learned from them, their honesty, simplicity and dedication to become themselves.

One YouTuber Ali abdaal,I have learned very invaluable lessons about lives and my dream of becoming a surgeon.

List doesn’t end here,I keep learning from my younger sisters and elder brother.

I feel very lucky to have these teachers in my life. But I don’t always able to be a good student. Sometimes I doubt them or disrespect them as a bad child. But I also learned one lesson from this experience that it’s not bad to do wrong but it’s absolutely wrong to do bad even knowing that it is. I am not a perfect human and nobody else even my teachers. And so i believe I can’t expect myself to be always correct and feeling guilty all the time rather I should accept myself with my flaws and appreciate that it’s okay if you wrong sometimes but learn.