i don’t know what’s happening.I am feeling so uncomfortable,i actually can’t understand how i am feeling right now. It’s like everything is out of my control,i don’t know what i am thinking and why? Every new discussion making me feel like i am wrong.I am so confused,i seriously don’t know what do i want,what am i doing? God help me,please. I am just loosing sight of everything. I want to go to an america and start my life there, just as my,i want to make that country my first home,is that wrong? Tell me God,i can’t choose my own way to live my life?
I want to help people,i want to help them in every possible way but i can’t .When my sister was telling me that because of some people,other people are facing problems. Then,i felt bad that people are problem here and i am doing nothing about it. Like,what’s happening even if i stay here,then what will i do? How can i make difference? People don’t even care that i am here or not,i can’t join politics cause i hate it.I hate that people thinks money gives them happiness that’s why i don’t wanna do this.The fact is by going to america i will learn,i will get a mentor and some friends to make my dream a reality. That’s i don’t have here.I don’t hate my country,neither i am gonna forget where i came from, i just wanna be somewhere i can feel myself. I don’t wanna be an activist,i am not Mahatma Gandhi,i am ‘Jyoti’,i love the power of caring and love one people has for other that’s “the humanity”:the best part of being human.
I know what do i want,i am doing what i want then why i am not feeling relaxed,why i am so afraid and confused.I know myself much better than i used to before. I was writing something in my application yesterday,and i found out that i was just listing the circumstances that i have been till now and those circumstances are not me. My actions,my thinking, my perspective and my feelings that’s what defines me,this is who i am? Every day i fight with myself knowingly or unknowingly but that helps me to grow,know about myself more.
I think i know why i am feeling panicked,because my past experiences is affecting my present.Just because,i have failed several times doesn’t mean i am stupid or wrong. I am also human,i can also feel broken and that’s okay, i am not gonna loose just because i never pass until now. It’s okay if i feel guilty,it’s okay if i feel miserable cause these are also part of me,it’s okay if i feel sad it’s okay if i am confused cause,all this is a part of who i am. What’s important that i never forget who i am,that i am not harming any one. That what i am doing is not only best for but for whole humankind.I am only one and i am also gonna focus on only one thing-spreading happiness. I am just as free as a bird the whole sky is mine and whole land and ocean,i mean the planet earth is my home. India is not my country,it’s one place where i born;just one very smaller part of my home.I am a human not only an indian. I love people not only indian.
So what i will do is to help people not only indian.Every good or bad experience is just a part of me.