So, it happened again. One more time, I tried and it didn’t work out. Once again I thought it’s going to be something else, and it turned out some other way.
So, the way it started I felt like the universe is trying to brought me to him. Music is one of the two things that’s only and all about me. And when I felt like music was the connection between me and him, I thought we are meant to be together. Although I always knew , not for forever. But, still I thought there’s something beautiful and meaningful will happen with us. But it didn’t happen like this.
I tried my best, to make this person who I thought was going through pain of heartbreak, to see and feel love again. I was no intention of falling for him but I was ready to go in any direction with him. I mean I was ready to explore wherever he would’ve taken me. Maybe that’s friendship or maybe love or maybe a connection without any names. I didn’t know and I didn’t care. I just felt like something brought us together, I felt like universe, and I wanted to figure out why…? What’s in it for me.
Well, I still don’t know the answer. I don’t know why I felt that way, like there’s something beautiful and deeper between us. Because he was totally not the person I would ever be with. Because he wanted to live the life in totally opposite way of me. He doesn’t wanna his emotions involve or talk about it. When that’s all I am interested in. If I talk about relationships, I mean when we share things…good or bad, things that’s hurts or things that’s makes happy, everything. I was interested in knowing who he really was, the real him. I wanted him to show what’s self-love is and how beautiful that is.
I remembered when I asked him about self love them he said yeah I do love myself . And that’s it that’s all he had to say about that. If I tried to ask him about his fears, whenever I tried to make him open up it felt like he avoided that. He got closed off more. And I always felt like I don’t have right to say, or I shouldn’t say this or that. It’s like there was big walls between us and I am not allowed to get in.
I learned it after little breakdown of my own..,when I started craving his love and care and attention, that I can never have that from him. Because he doesn’t love me. He doesn’t care about me. And it wasn’t his fault, it’s just I was believing in things that wasn’t ever there. But with time I accepted the truth that there’s nothing between us. That I was giving him way too much, maybe because I wanted it to be something for me. Maybe because I have been alone for so long, that it felt like it would be good if he loved me.
But slowly slowly I understood and accepted the truth that it wasn’t nothing like that. He told me clearly that he wasn’t looking for anything serious, he was looking for Sex. And he mentioned it to me before. He didn’t wanted a relationship and I was okay with that. Because he was clear and transparent about what he wanted. He also said that he is not ready for love, because now if he falls in love with anyone then that would be her wife and that’s beautiful. And I kind of appreciate it.
But you know what hurts is that he never really saw and appreciated who I am and who I really was with him. He once said to me that ” hey don’t get emotional and have fun and live life. We talked about sex…, because I am comfortable talking about it. Because to me “Sex is an expression of love”. And anything that is love, is just my thing. So, he told me that ” hey we can have sex and have fun together. Don’t be so emotional “. Although he was meaning nothing bad for me. But I kind of felt like he was telling me that being emotional is not a good thing.
With time I learned and understood this very clearly that he doesn’t care about who I am, what kind of person I am , what I think ,how I feel and what I am going through. Yes, with him , there was only one thing that I could have sex. N honestly according to me that’s the smallest thing in the world. Trust me, I realised that after I decided to try it once . I decided to see it for myself ,that if Sex can be pleasure for me with the person I don’t feel loved with, or I am not in love with. And I did and I am glad that I did. Because that’s what I learned one of the biggest truth of my life, I knew this but now I am never gonna have doubts about it , now that I tried it. That whatever I do, if there’s not Love in it, no matter what I do…, then it’s useless and meaningless and empty for me.
Every riddle has one perfect answer. For life it is love.
Syed Arshad, If It’s Not Love
Everything that happened, and everytime it happened. Everytime I felt like it will work out. And then I found out these people are just not deep into me, as I thought they would be. Like they would care more, they would see me more. It didn’t happen. But with every heartbreak I found something beautiful. Every time it hurts I tell myself, I remind myself the love I should shower on me, for myself. For trying, for not giving up, for always believing that it might turn out something beautiful. And for that love, the love that’s always gonna be inside of me for me, to be strong enough to always see a better place, a better world, and a beauty in everyone. That’s the love I can’t live my life without.
Yes one more time, I got a bad luck with a relationship that tried to make it work. But, then that break-up of relationship made the relationship I have with me even more stronger. Maybe I would never have a kind of relationship I am looking for with someone else, but I know that there’s one relationship that I am already blessed with and it’s always gonna be with me is the one I have with me.
Self love, this is the reason and purpose of my life. And now I believe whatever’s happening, every failures and every achievement is meant for me to fall in love with me more. With every coming moment, with every new experiences or a story it’s something what’s making me…, Me.
So, all these worth it in the end. So this is to a new and bigger version of me. The girl I am becoming I am just falling for her more. So one more time I realised that it was me who I meant to find and I found me once again.
Self-wanderer 