I didn’t know that I didn’t know how to love. I was gasping for air because I held my nose with my own hand. And I have been blaming every single one that they are killing me.

I was thinking that loving someone involves two way things, that you need to love and to be loved, you need to give and then received, you appreciate and then be appreciated. And yes, all this is true. But not every time, the two person who is in love with each other, is able to love each other.

Although love is the most beautiful star of the universe still it doesn’t shine always. Sometimes it’s light couldn’t reach the eyes of the other star and it seems like a planet to the other. I used to think that you find the one you love and then you stay together as long as you live. But this is the biggest myths of the life. Being in love never means that the two of you will always be together, side by side, physically.

But, what love really means that if you truly love someone with all your heart then no matter what you do or what they do, you can never, never hate the person. I used to think if the person stop loving you then you move on. And that means that you never see that person again, you never think about that person again, you hate that person. But it’s all a big fat lie. You just can’t stop loving the person you ever loved.

Because love never dies, never. And it’s the most beautiful thing about love. Like just imagine you created something in your heart and now it’s always going to be here, within you forever. How beautiful is that.

But as everything has a price, then how can’t it be for love. To the universe’s most sacred and beautiful thing, how come it will be priceless. So love comes with pain, but with the most beautiful one.

If you wanna love then you gotta hurt.

With time I realised , love’s only beautiful when when it hurts. Love’s most beautiful when you’re only know to love but you never expect to be loved. Loving is most powerful when you love the person and you don’t expect the person to love you back. And this is the most beautiful and powerful attribute of love.

That you find peace in loving someone with no conditions, with no expectations. That’s when you really learn to love. That’s when you really love the person. When the person’s happiness is all that matters to you even if that’s not with you. That’s when you really know how to love.

Because love is selfless and pure and only wants and pray for the person’s peace and happiness, even when it hurts you. That’s when you know you really know how to love.

It does hurt me when the people I love, someone I deeply care about, think the least of me. They ignore me, abandon me and it hurts because I couldn’t shake this feeling off. And that’s why I have been having it so hard lately, yesterday it felt like I couldn’t make it to the next day. Ohh! I was scared to the hell, so scared felt like it’s the last air that I would breathe, and thinking about it still scares me.

But what I’m thinking right now is that if I meant to be gone then I wouldn’t be writing this. I made it out from the second scariest and darkest days of my life.

And some people doesn’t understand the courage I show to smile with everything that’s going on the inside. But, now I think if those people can’t see it then it’s not my job to make them see it. Because it’s my story, it doesn’t matter what anybody, anyone else thinks. I do what I do for me. What makes me happy, that’s what I do.

In that scariest moment I was thinking about my family, what pain they will go through if I won’t be here. In that moment I thought that what’s meant to be, is meant to be. If I meant to be gone then God will give them strength. But, that was the worst fear because I will never wanna become someone who causes them pain, wanna be the one to hold their hand and always be there for them. Never in my life I wanna hurt my family, they already been through a lot, it’s the last thing I would ever wanna do.

It’s still scares me right now talking about it. But, what I feel right now that I meant to be alive and I think I know why. Because the things I wanna do, because I really wanna make this world a little better place. Because I feel like we all are scared to hell, and I want to make the world more loving and scaring,just by being there for them,just by holding their hands in the dark and promising them that they are not alone. Let’s walk together we don’t have to be alone.

So, I feel like it’s my purpose of life, that’s adding years to my life. That I am not going anywhere until I do what I am meant to be. And I guess my ending is not so near. I have got things to do.

I meant to go to NYC,yes I do even my fears, many times, tells me otherwise. I meant to be in NYC and meet people like me, people I can relate to, people I can connect to, people I can see and hear and so do they.

The moral of this post is that no matter how darker and stronger my fears gets…… My faith, My purpose will always save me.

Although I pictured it differently than it is. But it’s beautiful the way it is. I know if I would not do anything, do not leave you any messages, there won’t be anything left. You might never try to take the initiative, but that’s fine cause I know that’s just how you are. But now I wouldn’t force it either. I will not take on this thing one sided, if it’s work on it own then it does or it ends.

But, no matter what happens next, there’s a place for you that no one could ever take. And I don’t know how much it matters to you, but you do so much to me. Because, the kinda person I am, one of the biggest possessions of my life are “my relationships”, are the people I love, I care about”. N you’re one of them.

What I have learned in past few days, that I can never Chase what’s not mine or doesn’t belong with me, no matter how bad I want it to be mine. The only way to live in those moments, is to set it free, let it flow with its own energy and not force it or fight with the feeling of not having it. Yes if I want to be sad then I can be…, and I was but then what I found is peace at the end when I realised the fact that I have no control over how things going to be turned out. And accepting the truth that I had no control over the other one feeling the way I wish they did, did set me free. And I needed that freedom.

When I realised that it’s not the way I wished…I had two choices. Either I sit with my sadness and let it break my heart or find a way to comfort me, find me my happiness where I can after this. Because what I can’t change, can’t change but that doesn’t mean the only option left is too cry over what I can do nothing about. Rather I wanna focus on things that makes me happy. Because I did nothing wrong , rather I loved even when I knew I would never be loved back the same way. So i did something bigger, so more than before I knew i deserved to be happy. Because I have evolved beautifully as a person through all of these.

What I know for now, that whatever I am going through, every feeling that I feel for now, is taking me to my better future, beautiful future. And I know it’s brighter as day goes by, because I am growing, I am growing into more of me. And that means it’s already better. And no matter who is going to be with me , there’s one thing for sure that I am always going to be more of me.

From what I just said above, it seems that I am trying to forget him, forget the one I loved; then the that’s not true. I still love him and I always will be. Because I believe love never dies, it always stays in your heart. What changes is the fact that we adapt to the new truth.

Also, I don’t know what futures really hold maybe we will be together, maybe we don’t. But all I am trying to say for now that my love for him doesn’t depend on the fact if we end up together or not. Because loving him I can but him loving me back is out of my hand. But no matter how the tomorrow may seem the place he holds in my heart, this will never change.

I know nothing is permanent… not even me, so I would never expect anything to stay with me forever. Because that’s not the truth, and life is too short to waste it on lies and showing off. I know what I have right now, I might lose it in the next moment. Also I know that I am constantly changing…, evolving…, I am on my way to my world, so things will change on the way, always.

So, when I know this is who I am , then I am always prepared or at least I am setting my mind to the changes that will come with every next moment. Like if something is really precious and special for me, and although I want it to stay forever but I know that it won’t happen. The only thing that’s going to stay with me… forever, are the memories and the moments that I lived. That I am aware, that at certain point it’s going to bid me goodbye and that’s okay because that’s how this journey of life works. Things will come and go, people will come and go…, Moments will be lived and be passed through. And all I can do is live to its fullest exactly when I can…., Instead of having regrets. Because that’s not at all a good feeling. Make mistakes, fall, fade but never have regrets, never. This is what I think.

Make mistakes, fall, fade but never have regrets, never.

Me.

In past few days if anything I have been focusing on is that… whatever it is that matters to me right now, I am gonna make the best of it right now. Because possibly I can never see the tomorrow of this night. Maybe I can never wake up the same, because maybe when I will wake up tomorrow this beautiful feeling that I can’t get enough off, will be gone and possibly for forever. And this is the reason I want live this moment right now the way I want. So I would never have regrets that I missed something, or I would have done it any way different.

This post is all about the importance of what I can have in this beautiful moment. That if I am doing enough right now , everything that I should have done to make this moment the way I want.

Sometimes I am too scared, sometimes I get this really scary anxiety and I feel like I don’t know how to escape that. And that’s always scare me… What if I end up there again.But then I tell myself that no matter where I will be, however deep n dark I will fall I will always find my way back to me.

It’s “Him”, I don’t really know what’s that….that always bring me to him. I don’t know. At first I thought whatever’s happening..,it’s showing that we ain’t meant to be. But since past few days, I have been feeling like there’s some higher energy bringing me to him. I don’t know if that’s true but there were few things happened , that made me think that way.

I don’t know where I will end with him, but I know one for now, that I will take any chances that I can to have any moments with him. I know one thing for sure, that whenever I am around him I feel happy. That whenever I see him I feel so good, so happy , I like doing things for him.

Yeah I think about it that possibly it will end one day. I mean for sure, it’s going to end some day, but I don’t want to think about that right now. For now however long I can I will keep looking for ways to be around him, to see him everyday if possible, as long as I can. All I want to do is live right now thinking about him, or trying for a chance with him. Cause right now I can, and as long as I can I will try.

Because right now it’s possible, right now I have time and it’s not going to come again. So I want to try my best ,so that once these moments will be gone I will have no regrets.

And honestly for now, I get to see him almost everyday, and I had so many beautiful moments with him already. I have some beautiful pictures with him, actually I only have one with him, but I have few of him. I don’t know if it’s love or what but I am not really about the name right now, all I care about that I cherish this feeling that I get whenever I am near him or I see him.

So, I wanna live with him right now yeah I know maybe not together but it’s with him even from a little distance. I am going to treasure every single moment that I will have with him. Every single thing that will remind me of him is going to be really special for me, for my whole life.

I know that one day I will leave this place but as long as I am here or even when I will leave I am never going to forget him…, never.

So, this one’s for him, for something so beautiful yet not so easy❤️❤️♥️.

It’s just tough for me to live this life when it’s nothing what I want, or it’s not my choice. I am only here because I have no other option. Because I can’t go against my brother who thinks I have more than I should, but sadly I don’t feel the same way. I feel trapped and captivated, also I don’t have guts to leave them and live alone, on my own. Because given the situation, I have only two options…, either they happily let me leave this place where I feel suffocated and frustrated with every single day, or I run away from this place or my family. And ofcourse doing the later one, is not my thing. I can’t leave them, don’t know the reason is love or that I am scared that I can’t survive on my own. I don’t know but I know one thing, that as long as I am here , in this country, I don’t wanna do anything that will hurt the only people I love and only reason of being here.

And I tried to convince them to understand that this place is not for us, the life we are living right now, in which we are only valued for cooking food for the family, or being valued if I keep continuing to study for medicals. And I am tired of it, I am tired of only being worthy if I do something that shows that . I just want to be appreciated for the care and love I feel for them, I wanna be appreciated for how good of a person I am. I wanna be appreciated and valued for my kindness and willingness to do anything for the people I love. But I don’t see this happening. And it hurts when it’s your family that reminds you, that your worth is only from the actions. Me being is not enough. And that made me thinking how this love is conditional. How we based our values and appreciation around what can be seen on the outside.

I feel like we are getting too lost in this outside materialistic world, that we are losing the sight of bigger picture. The inner universe within all of us. No one really cares to know or learn, what’s happening in the inner world of ours, when it’s all about that. Because everything that’s happening around us , is having a bigger effects on our inner world.

And tell me if that’s how I see things how can I agree to anything what my brother tells me to do.

Okay so they did get agree to us leaving but we lied to them about some part. We didn’t tell them everything. But we have no choice because I can’t keep pretending that I am happy here, or I have more than enough because the truth is I am hardly managing to survive the day. And my brother or my father doesn’t really understand the fact that what’s more than enough to them, is hardly anything to begin with. The life I see , can never be like this. Because I am not who they think I am.

And I wish I could tell them the truth, but like this world even if they are not ready for my truth. They are not ready for me. So it’s better if I lie for now. Because the truth will be better when I know that I can face them, or I can handle the repercussions of my truth.

Because who I am and my truth, it will be absurd or stupid to them than inspiring and beautiful. So as long as they are not ready to see their inner world I can’t show them or prove it to them, that how I feel , what I think is not a house in the air, but the real beautifully concrete walls on a solid ground.

Till then I will lie to them and find a way to create a way to be my way. If that means lying then that’s what it is. But I have to find a way to not hurt anybody. I know nobody will like the lies, but if they are not ready for the truth then that’s what I left with. Also, I can’t live this life that they want me to. So I have to find a mid way, and that’s what I am trying to do. Nobody has to get hurt, and in the end they want me to have a beautiful life and that’s what I am trying to do. I know they don’t like my ways but they don’t have to be anyways. The thing is we both want the same thing, in the end.

So, it happened again. One more time, I tried and it didn’t work out. Once again I thought it’s going to be something else, and it turned out some other way.

So, the way it started I felt like the universe is trying to brought me to him. Music is one of the two things that’s only and all about me. And when I felt like music was the connection between me and him, I thought we are meant to be together. Although I always knew , not for forever. But, still I thought there’s something beautiful and meaningful will happen with us. But it didn’t happen like this.

I tried my best, to make this person who I thought was going through pain of heartbreak, to see and feel love again. I was no intention of falling for him but I was ready to go in any direction with him. I mean I was ready to explore wherever he would’ve taken me. Maybe that’s friendship or maybe love or maybe a connection without any names. I didn’t know and I didn’t care. I just felt like something brought us together, I felt like universe, and I wanted to figure out why…? What’s in it for me.

Well, I still don’t know the answer. I don’t know why I felt that way, like there’s something beautiful and deeper between us. Because he was totally not the person I would ever be with. Because he wanted to live the life in totally opposite way of me. He doesn’t wanna his emotions involve or talk about it. When that’s all I am interested in. If I talk about relationships, I mean when we share things…good or bad, things that’s hurts or things that’s makes happy, everything. I was interested in knowing who he really was, the real him. I wanted him to show what’s self-love is and how beautiful that is.

I remembered when I asked him about self love them he said yeah I do love myself . And that’s it that’s all he had to say about that. If I tried to ask him about his fears, whenever I tried to make him open up it felt like he avoided that. He got closed off more. And I always felt like I don’t have right to say, or I shouldn’t say this or that. It’s like there was big walls between us and I am not allowed to get in.

I learned it after little breakdown of my own..,when I started craving his love and care and attention, that I can never have that from him. Because he doesn’t love me. He doesn’t care about me. And it wasn’t his fault, it’s just I was believing in things that wasn’t ever there. But with time I accepted the truth that there’s nothing between us. That I was giving him way too much, maybe because I wanted it to be something for me. Maybe because I have been alone for so long, that it felt like it would be good if he loved me.

But slowly slowly I understood and accepted the truth that it wasn’t nothing like that. He told me clearly that he wasn’t looking for anything serious, he was looking for Sex. And he mentioned it to me before. He didn’t wanted a relationship and I was okay with that. Because he was clear and transparent about what he wanted. He also said that he is not ready for love, because now if he falls in love with anyone then that would be her wife and that’s beautiful. And I kind of appreciate it.

But you know what hurts is that he never really saw and appreciated who I am and who I really was with him. He once said to me that ” hey don’t get emotional and have fun and live life. We talked about sex…, because I am comfortable talking about it. Because to me “Sex is an expression of love”. And anything that is love, is just my thing. So, he told me that ” hey we can have sex and have fun together. Don’t be so emotional “. Although he was meaning nothing bad for me. But I kind of felt like he was telling me that being emotional is not a good thing.

With time I learned and understood this very clearly that he doesn’t care about who I am, what kind of person I am , what I think ,how I feel and what I am going through. Yes, with him , there was only one thing that I could have sex. N honestly according to me that’s the smallest thing in the world. Trust me, I realised that after I decided to try it once . I decided to see it for myself ,that if Sex can be pleasure for me with the person I don’t feel loved with, or I am not in love with. And I did and I am glad that I did. Because that’s what I learned one of the biggest truth of my life, I knew this but now I am never gonna have doubts about it , now that I tried it. That whatever I do, if there’s not Love in it, no matter what I do…, then it’s useless and meaningless and empty for me.

Every riddle has one perfect answer. For life it is love.

Syed Arshad, If It’s Not Love

Everything that happened, and everytime it happened. Everytime I felt like it will work out. And then I found out these people are just not deep into me, as I thought they would be. Like they would care more, they would see me more. It didn’t happen. But with every heartbreak I found something beautiful. Every time it hurts I tell myself, I remind myself the love I should shower on me, for myself. For trying, for not giving up, for always believing that it might turn out something beautiful. And for that love, the love that’s always gonna be inside of me for me, to be strong enough to always see a better place, a better world, and a beauty in everyone. That’s the love I can’t live my life without.

Yes one more time, I got a bad luck with a relationship that tried to make it work. But, then that break-up of relationship made the relationship I have with me even more stronger. Maybe I would never have a kind of relationship I am looking for with someone else, but I know that there’s one relationship that I am already blessed with and it’s always gonna be with me is the one I have with me.

Self love, this is the reason and purpose of my life. And now I believe whatever’s happening, every failures and every achievement is meant for me to fall in love with me more. With every coming moment, with every new experiences or a story it’s something what’s making me…, Me.

So, all these worth it in the end. So this is to a new and bigger version of me. The girl I am becoming I am just falling for her more. So one more time I realised that it was me who I meant to find and I found me once again.

“I needed to forget her…in thick of healing….”,that’s what they told me…and I was a kid….just an 8 years old…and I did what they told me, Cause I believed that was I supposed to do. But, now I’ve realized they were wrong.

my words..

Was 8 years old…when my mother died…(i know i’ve talked about it before.. still there’s always something to say). Today I was thinking that here, where my family lives(not me…,cause I live in NYC, in my heart always…,very soon I’ll be living for real.),people believe if someone dies then you assume that they left you…n that’s what I thought for so many years. Once someone is gone…You don’t talk about ’em much..because that hurts…or that’s a way to deal with the grief….. that you choose to ignore it. N that’s what i did.

But they were wrong n I was too…that forgetting my Mom means we moved on….but how come. Cause I miss her more now than I was. Sorry I cursed her…I made her culprit that she chose her brother over us and died…that she didn’t love us enough to stay for us. But that’s not true, n I know that now. And it hurts that I ever hated her… for leaving us…. cause now i try to imagine what she must’ve been through in that time.

Whatever happened 1 thing no one could change that my mother is not here…and I don’t know what it means to be to have a mother. There were so many people who loved us… but still it wasn’t enough and it never will be. N the worst part of all…that I don’t remember anything about her…no memories of her…even not from the time she was with me…that hurts like hell…I have 3 more siblings…. none of ’em wanna talk about her either…I guess they are still wanna protect themselves from the pain…the pain we either buried or hiding. But I don’t wanna hide I wanna talk about her..but i can’t to anyone.

I miss you Mom…more everyday…I wish that you would’ve been with us…then this life would be little less painful…but I also know that this what Life is…N I don’t hate God or anyone for you not having in my life… I’m not mad…not at anyone…I just miss you a lot…n I love you…I always will even though I couldn’t remeber anything about you. I know that’s a way our brain works to protect us that it repressed our memories…

All I want is to “Never forget you…cause even after everything…You’re my Mom…N that’s the truth…N I love you I will never stop loving you…Never. I’m blessed to be your daughter. Maybe you can feel these words…I don’t know…Just know that I miss you like hell n I love you like Heaven.

I’m not happy here….. and I can never be…. here. I’m struggling to get through even a day…. In the inside I just wanna cry…… But on the surface I’ve to pretend that everything’s ok. There’s not one person that I think I can say how I am really feeling and that’s what hurts……. And I’m trying to be as strong as I can be but I couldn’t….. How can I. Cause there’s no one that could here me, feel me…… Or try to even see what I’m going through.

And in all of that, the worst thing is when I start to have expectations that someone would might wanna be there for me….. When that doesn’t happen…… It hurts me more…. N I don’t know how to stop that…. Cause I feel like I just can’t. The truth is that I’m all alone and has to go through alone. I don’t want anyone… but still I feel like I need one. I’m not looking for anyone to love me Or anything….. Just want someone who can just listen n help me get through this pain.

cause it hurts so bad man…….. n I don’t know what to do… For years I’ve been like this…… All by myself n I know that I have to be like this…… Maybe my whole life………..

BUT that’s ok I won’t give up…… Let this life take me where it wants cause I won’t stop reaching where I wanna be either.

I guess this is how you grow…… when you’re the loneliest…. well I love my tears…. So it’s ok…… I’ll get through this too…… Just like I came this way long, ❤❤❤love you girl for being this strong n patient n resilient……. I can’t be more prouder to be the person I am.

Once again I build my hopes n fell to my face. In my head it was all so pretty….. but i guess I was wrong… they just don’t know what beauty is… Cause I offered it to ’em n they threw it in some dark corner they don’t ever see.

Everytime I try….. don’t know why it always come to this….. Why they couldn’t appreciate the beautiful love….. I know it hurts me like hell right now…. but after sometime I’ll see that it was never my place….. I will get through this I know… But it hurts man when it happens every time… I try n I give the best of me…… N all they could give is their ignorance, abandonment n judgement….. I guess this is what means to be me.

I keep thinking why everyone here has to be that way….. They just don’t know how to appreciate love….. They have no idea about what love is…. Well I’m hurting now but I’ll be okay but I feel bad for all of you cause you don’t even have a idea what you’re losing….. To all of you……. You have no idea what you’re losing.

It’s my pain….n my misery…..i know….. But at least I know how it feels….. at least I can stand with my truth….. Face my pain…… But you all so damn scared…… I feel bad for all of you…… That you’re living a lie…… Just to play safe.

N I don’t mind living my truth if that means being in pain…..then let it be this way……..pain is my truth n I also know that i’mma hurt again….i’mma hurt again….cause I won’t stop learning,growing….and being in pain.