No one never stop, suggesting me how I should live my life, what things i have done wrong, or doing right now and might do it sometimes. They want me to tell everything but doesn’t care about happening everything inside me.

Someone just said something outta irritation but didn’t even think about the days i have been going through.  The worst and toughest thing that i have to everything whether i like or hate it to the core but still go unnoticed,  that’s hurt like hale.  Especially instead of appreciation all they give is their frustration.

I am not saying that i don’t get frustrate on them or anyone,  but the thing is i get frustrate in taking care of else and for myself,  but the other one sometime does it cause they are angry, things didn’t go as they wanted.  So they decided to just show their frustration in order to blame not because they have any idea what you’ve been through.  Sometimes very close person to you does that.

But i think it’s okay cause we are human,  cause we can’t always understand everyone, every time. I can  understand that. But as a human i feel bad that all i am trying to do is best for both of us , but the other person doesn’t even think to that extent,  cause  i couldn’t feel that concern, rather frustration.  So sometimes i feel shitty to be the way i forced to be in, expecting  me to know everything,  and not making mistakes.

It feels i am dying little by little everyday.  Maybe cause i have done something terribly wrong that i have to be punished like this,  or maybe this is how life is but in both ways, it’s way way harder to just be .

I curse every thing and anything when i get rejected from something or something people doesn’t see it as i see.

But whom i blame the most is God, cause I believe he knows everything and still doesn’t help me. Still create problems for me. I am right now like a resentful kid ,who is angry on it’s parent.  I curse him, say the worst things that how can he make me go through all these when he loves me. And i conclud that he doesn’t care and doesn’t love me, there is no such thing like him.

But i think i am angry on being different,  angry on everything i am doing and seeing failing.  But this is my immaturity.  Because still i am only a human and he is something that we can’t even describe.

And the thing is just like me people has their own values and beliefs that they have been lived for centuries.

I hate myself seeing failing again and again,  but then i reconsider everything and i realize that this is how i have made my life. I decided to curse everything that’s not my way, and right now nothing’s my way.

What i wanna do is definitely the path of me being real me, but that  means that I am living behind who i am right now, i am trying to change something so so big. It’s like remove the most oldest tree to plant new one, and it’s the most challenging thing to say something most people doesn’t wanna hear and don’t wanna believe.

It’s like turning desert into rainforests, and there is no rain.

I do not if i am gonna change my way of dealing these things,  but i know one thing for sure that i am not stopping,  that I am not giving up. Whether i curse every one to their death, or find myself in the most darkest place but i know that i will go through it.

Just like now,  i am sitting with my father in the hospital cause he was ill. I am continuously running to make sure  do everything he is gonna need to get better and get back home. But i hate doing these things already,it’s been around 24 hours and i hate it to my core but i will still do it , cause i know that I have to. I want my father to be healthy even if it’s the most hated thing for me.

I am this i think.

Sometimes I just feel all wrong, judging everything I do,questioning everything I am doing. I feel like everything is wrong, feel like very confused, that even I am doing what I really wanna do.

Sometimes I am a crazy shot, feel like outta my head,and that feels even more shifty.

I think it’s normal to be this way,I believe. Just nothing feels right, feeling lost and directionless. I also know that this feeling isn’t permanent,  and it will be gone by tomorrow. But still, having this feeling right at the moment is shifty and difficult to be in the present moment.  I feel like writing this all will help me a bit to clear my head.

Every moment, we say something out of our minds, not even considering the depth of that situation.

I myself make judgments many time a day, looking on social media or during watching Tv. I did it myself saying things about people without even knowing them.  But, immediately after that comment, I feel bad about myself that how can I say such things,  it’s not just to prove that I am a good person,  rather because I know it’s the worst thing to be judged.  Cause I myself know the feeling of being on the other side.

It’s really hard to do something you have no idea about, and no one you know can help you.  I am right now, trying to make sure that I will get what I really wanna have, so bad, and that is to have my “life”.

You know things get hard when, people on the other side think of me as everyone else, they ask for things that I never have. Yeah, maybe I can just tell them that you’re asking the wrong thing to the wrong person.

You know, my truth is that I have only me right now, and maybe even in future too. And when I see those people on the other side ask me to let other person portrait as they’re always with me, it just breaks my heart. I feel like, all my hard work, and all those difficult moments I have been through has been overlooked, cause no one else has any idea how difficult it’s to me. And that kinda person has that much value.

Yeah, maybe because of the rules I believe that our elders, mature and sensible people of our societies has made some rules to work things smoothly. But, I am sorry this is totally bullshit, it’s a lie that there is anything smooth in our human world, we humans are so complex, we can’t be same even on one day to the other, and all the rulers thinks they can run things smoothly, yeah definitely if they wanna live in lie.

But, I am done with pretending, it’s the worst thing I have been doing for so long, and it’s been killing me from inside. I am tired of showing that everything is fine when it’s not at all.

Why the hale, we as kids , we always get taught why this mature world of ours let us learn ourselves, and let us figure out who we really think we are.

Why they need to be the one to ask, why not we? Since our childhood people start training us to be like them so that we can fit in the world right now, but why we should become a fit. Instead I believe that this mature human world need to understand that there is no fit, we all are completely different from each other, let’s this world make fit for us, not we. I think as a human we should always focus on growth and evolution, then that means that we all are changing constantly just like our planet, and this universe then why our mature human rulers want us to be the same.

I am who I am, and always gonna be.

I am oversensitive, and I know that, it kills me having these uncontrollable emotions, but at the same time I feel so good. Yeah I have heard it that pain feels good sometimes, I think this is that time for me. I am overwhelmed with my feelings but I feel good about having these overwhelming emotions.  I think I am getting crazy, feeling good in pain.  At one side, I don’t wanna feel this alone, and holding my tears too hard, but on the other times, I feel lucky to experience this much pain for love.

It happens when I see some full of emotions dramas,but I feel so connected to all those pains and misery those people were suffering from. I watched a show today, and the passionate love in the show that I deeply felt connected with is the both kinda feeling -best and worst.

You know what I always hoped for to have someone who can love me passionately. But with time, I realized that I can’t control if someone can love me that passionately as I expect, but I know one thing very clearly that I want to become a person I always hoped for myself to be with, I wanna become my best self, so that I will feel like I loved my life, this world and this whole universe with open heart. I just wanna love unconditionally every single thing in this universe just like this universe does to us.

I know that these words feel like just I am trying to sound that I am a really nice person, who loves everyone,  and trust me that’s not true.

But that’s what I am saying that I wanna do only one thing, and that is just love anything, everything because to me, love is the only way, I can be happy, love is the only way I can be truly happy.    And trust me,  If I want anything from my life then it’s happiness and love.

I feel like I have control over my love, and with this life I have I want people to see that how powerful love can be, I want them to see this deep love I feel in my heart, I am just learning to love my life,  this world unconditionally cause that’s the only I can feel my real self, only Love can show me that I am much more than I know or anyone knows.

 

 

I always get this feeling of guilt and knowing that what I just said was wrong.  And I kinda didn’t like that feeling. I knew that I judged that person just now, but the truth is that I don’t mean it that way. Even though I judged, I know that I don’t feel about them that way. But still, I don’t like that feeling of doing wrong, or judging someone,  but I still do it every time. I think that I need to accept myself this way, and let this feeling of guilt do it’s job, cause I am gonna feel this way,  no matter what.

I am gonna judge people one second and another second I will realize that I did wrong, and then I will get this feeling back.  But that’s the thing, it is okay to have this feeling, that doesn’t make me a mean, dumb bitch. That it is okay to be in this situation.  I feel like this a lot,  and that means that I am gonna keep having these feelings and thoughts continuously, and beating myself up for it, doesn’t gonna help. I need to let this feeling have it’s work, cause that’s how I will understand that what does it wanna do.

And as far as, I am getting from this feeling is that I know that where I am wrong,  and that’s the great thing.

I truly do not like to judge anyone,  cause I know how it’s like to be judged,  when someone just make a comment about without even knowing the depth of the situation or the person’s feeling.  But, there’s  also a side when it’s just become a habit to judge but that person doesn’t do it intentionally,  and I can totally relate with that. So I am thankful to have this feeling, I just hope that I understand this feeling,  next time I am gonna have it.

We Humans, are really weird, our emotions are complicated, but when something happens to us by someone else, we kinda just made our mind up, for not to forgive,  and make an unaware judgement.

But, this is what I am trying to learn,  that nothing is straight,simple and I need to understand that everyone’s feelings are just as complex as mine. We all see it differently, and there it gets overcomplicated.  I am just gonna try to understand people’s situation little more, from now on.

By the way, I am also really bad at trusting people at first interactions. But, I am learning to love people, because I know no one’s life easier, we all are working so hard to get sense of our lives, but no one can truly does.

Love.

Whenever I watch some crime -based shows, I see different things, sometimes I learn that I didn’t know before.  And that’s always reminds me how imperfect and broken world we have . And that always encourages to me to live the best of me, and try my best to have what we have.

Whenever I think best of me, then I see love and connections cause these two are thevonly things that can lead us to our future,  my future . Love and connections to almost everything -fellow humans ,nature ,animals ,birds living organism and every special thing that we have no idea about .

With this really challenging and difficult life, we have healing power because of these two powerful tools of being Human .

And so, all I want to be is the best version of me being human. Love you life,good night .

Several times I think that I am being selfish or being influenced by those people I follow or get inspired from. But, I have realised that no I am not being selfish ,I have just started to care about my opinions and my feelings. I have started to put my happiness first before anyone else .                                       How i see my past self or even present is that I am someone who is still putting other’s happiness before me. I know there is nothing wrong with that ,but what’s really wrong is not listening to my own sufferings, ignoring them. If I am doing something so that my loved ones don’t get hurt on the cost of sacrificing my happiness and well-being. If that means selfish then I really wanna be that one . Also, I am not influenced by those people who see themselves as an individual, but I am seeing myself similar to them. I find myself that I feel like them, they aren’t really my influencer ,rather they became my mirror of what do I want, who I wanna be. They helped me to understand who I am from inside.

I have spent years, trying to please people so that they can love or accept me. I tried real hard to met their expectations so that those all people will give me a chance to live. I tried to obey my father as far as possible and also my father,  but I didn’t do it cause I was happy to do it but I did because I didn’t wanted to be a problem for them ever, so that they have to worry little less.

But,now things have changed for me , cause I have learned that in order to be happy and to be at peace, all I need to is please myself, love myself, accept myself that yes I wanna think about myself first. I used to think that I should be a doctor so that I can help people because that’s the good people does, good people never hurt someone ,good people take care of everyone . And that’s why I decided to become a good person, and I didn’t have any idea what’s that really means. It was just like an answer to a question (what should a good human being do), and I memorized it so that I can clear the exam of being the great people, whom everyone loves and respects and I heard it feels proud.

But, now when I really see my oldself all I see is a girl trying to follow a mantra of life, or I should say a girl copying someone’s being human mantra. And that sucked, I didn’t realise that then, but thqt sucking feeling was always there.

But,now I know one thing very clear that everything I know or I have learned from this little world or mine is not enough, isn’t everything.  It’s just the part of who we are. In order to be my authentic self,I need to keep going and listening to that inner voice which keeps communicating my feelings with me. That all I wanna do is just be my authentic self. I don’t wanna do good or be good.  I am just a human with faults and weaknesses but I also know that knowing that is my strength. So I am just a human. This is my life and I will live it for myself first.

Today, I was watching Tv and wondering about the life I used to see since I was a child to 1.5 years back , (cause that’s my usual time to think).     I was thinking that what we have been told about life,about our life, and this world since childhood to till we become adult . I was thinking, how much of that is true, is the life really as these people are telling me?                                               And what I learned is no, it was only “half the truth ,not whole”. It was their’s truth ,truth of their life not mine. What I noticed with ny little bit of experience ,and little bit of exploring that truth of our lives can only be found by us.  That we all have to find our own truth. We all have to understand that we all have a different perspective of the same world ,and the biggest thing we needs to learn is “the objective truth “. The truth which tells us that we are human ,which tells us that we aren’t perfect , nothing’s perfect ,nothing’s normal,nothing is certain, there is no such thing like pure hero or pure devil. Life is totally uncertain, unexpected.  Every day,every moment has something new to offer.

What I have learned through my life until now is I was afraid of change, taking risks, wanted to have a straight life (just like heartbeat of dead person) , but now I can see that’s not what life is. That was completely opposite to the life. Based on wjat I used to be, I was try to avoid everything that I didn’t know or wanted to know everything as easily as possible . But,like I said- life is not about knowing everything, it never was. Life is about learning every day something new that it’s teaching me by its uncertainty .

That doesn’t mean I am not gonna scared , cause I know I will, but still I am gonna welcome the uncertainty with that fear.

What’s the point of this whole writing is that the belief that we all have, we people believe we know everything, cause we live our life like we know everything that’s totally absurd, cause we don’t. We don’t even know what tomorrow’s holds, then rest is in itself a mystery.  So, what we really should do is teach every generation of ours to explore and not to have fixed values, cause nothing’s fixed, nothing , not even the universe we live in.