If I am truly honest then I don’t really understand how it feels like to know that you’re time is about to end. But, after watching a movie and a youtube video of people knowing their death time, I wanna talk about how i felt about this thing .

First of all, I am lucky here to assume that “maybe I have good enough time to make my dream a reality “, at least enough time to walk on this “path of ny dream “everyday.                                          Secondly ,that this is real, there are thousands and thousands of people, who knows that their end is just few months or few years. That after that there is nothing that we have any idea about ,after the death ,one thing is certain that we can’t have this complex feelings and emotions , we can’t think of any moral, and neither we could ever able to have the most beautiful thing in this world- Love- yeah according to me.

You know what ,I am not really afraid of death ,rather I am learning to accept it as real as me existing.  But, what I really am afraid of is -of not being heard, dying at the same place where I started (or I should say that even that start wasn’t even decided by me, but my parents ). Yeah, I am afraid that might no one will really know “the real me”, cause I am afraid to be me. Yeah, I am afraid to talk that how i go through an ocean of thoughts in a single day, that how i question everything ,and how it’s difficult for me to accept something right away, but this is who I am.

In my this life, all I wanna do is love; myself, my life, people, this world, and everything that reminds me I am real, I exist, my life is real. I just wanna love, accept that this is who I am, and this is how this world is. I just wanna understand that there are millions things that I don’t know, I wanna understand that people are different from me that doesn’t mean they are faking just because I don’t understand that. I wanna tell myself that there are many things that I don’t have even idea about their existence .

So I wanna love everything possible for me. I am not saying that I wanna become the kindest, the most genuine person,  and someone who won’t get angry on anybody, cause I can’t do that, there is no such thing in my view.          But, yes I wanna be my best version , I want to do all I can to make sure that I am not faking and being honest to who I am.  That whether I am in my ugliest or the most beautiful phase, I accept both,as both are the reality, reality of my life.

It’s really difficult for me to keep myself first before anyone else. It’s right that when you have been taught to always care about others, and nobody teaches you to even see yourself.

It’s difficult, I just read a quote “you can’t love yourself, unless you’re not being yourself “. This is exactly what’s happening with me.

I am feeling guilty that I wanna put myself first, that I love something nobody taught me, something that might never seems right, but still that’s what I love.

But, even if it’s difficult, I am gonna learn slowly -slowly to love myself first, to be me, to always keep myself first. I am gonna practice,first and foremost, self-love and always gonna try to put myself first.

Thinking about the same thing again n again, and getting outta my mind is killing me. I am here alone, all by myself, no body to talk to.

And the funniest thing that I am calling myself selfish and couldn’t digest that feeling of me living in USA for rest of my life. Cause, I feel that I am betraying my birth place, I am betraying people with whom I shared 21 years of my life. This whole judgement thing is killing me, and bitting me up. How weird it is that I can’t let this feeling go,that I wanna be happy that maybe finally in few months I will be sure about going to USA, but this selfish and betrayal feelings aren’t letting me happy.

I am not liking this feeling, and the biggest thing I don’t wanna talk about it to anyone. Cause, I don’t how to.

I hope if really God is up there(which I am trying to believe in) hears me that I am in pain,that I am not selfish, that I do not wanna betray anyone, I just love my life to live the way it’s gonna be in America.

But, why? What am I doing wrong? What’s the reason behind this crappy, shitty feelings, why? What’s really making me feel this way?

God help me figure out the answers, give me sign, strong enough so that I can get out of my head, otherwise I think I can’t survive anymore, these feelings are so hard. And not only that -also the feeling that maybe once again no one will understand me and gonna reject my applications, that maybe I wouldn’t have financial support, that maybe something will happen and I will once again be just a failure.

What will I do if I am having all these feelings, who will really help me to really figure out that what should I do. Why I can’t be just happy,I know it’s all inside my head,so please someone tell me what’s really outside. I really don’t know what to do, so i am just gonnna keep walking on the path I have chosen whether it’s right or wrong. I am not Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela or Newton, I am just a girl who just wanna live her life like a simple human being with people I love, with peace and happiness, also with pain and imperfection.

I think the problem is that I believe I am responsible for everyone’s else happiness but not mine, I need to make a difference in a world like a checklist or something, but not into my ownlife. I am thinking that if I will make a difference in my own life then I will be a selfish, if I will create my own life as I am thinking of creating a world full of love then I am selfish, I don’t what kinda funking idiot I am. Like, I am thinking that my life is for living those people with whom I spent 21 years, doesn’t matter if I am happy or inside dying.

Oh lord! Save me before I’d gone crazy. I don’t know for how long I am gonna have this feeling, but I am an idiot, who is afraid to follow her own happiness, who is afraid to go to USA what’s I love the most ans can’t imagine anything except that, I am pushing myself to create a change in the world, not in myself.

I think the problem is my understanding of making a difference in the world. It’s not something that’s the meaning of life, meaning of being human. No, it’s not.

It’s not something that’s gonna decide my worth, worth of my life. It’s not something that we should so as a human, I don’t think so.

It’s about feelings, it’s about making a difference in lives of people, even in ourselves.

And I think that’s what I need, to make difference for me, giving meaning to ky life because that’s what matters to me. I don’t know that how much it’ll matter to anyone else, or people after my death and I am not gonna hear that, I am gonna be unaffected with that, right?

This is my life and I should live it for myself, and do anything that’s mean to me.

My Dream is to live with those people who taught me to love me, who taught me to be who I am, who taught me to accept even the most ugliest part of me, cause that’s me too.

My dream is to spend rest of my lives with them whether it’s in pain,happiness, fear, failure or winning. I wanna spend every moment of my life with those people who has given me a purpose. I have learned to be me because of them,and that’s why I wanna be with them forever. This is what my dream is.

Today is 27th of June,2019, my birthday. And I think it’s going much better than I expected.

But, you know what’s the best part of today is that finally the conflicts between my feelings,I was facing, has finally resolved. I was thinking so hard about why USA? Not india? Why?

I think the answer of that question is in this question “who they are to me”? And they are those people, who has given me “this life”. They have made me realized that my happiness, my pain, my choices, and my likes and dislikes, all matters, everything. They helped me to meet me, and started to listen to my inner voice. They have loved me, accepted me when I didn’t even knew myself. Their stories, their pain, their genuine feelings and emotions, has given birth to my life, my authentic life. They taught me to love myself, accept me and accept that I don’t think like other people around me and that’s ok.

I couldn’t understand until now,that why I was fighting so hard to be there, and why I feel so strong for them. Today, I got the answers. Their stories are my truth, their music, movies and dramas has spoken those words which I was hiding inside me for years. They have become my voice of my silence.

They loved me (through their stories and musics), and now I love them with my heart and I couldn’t picture myself without them, never. What is in USA for me-is love and connections -all I need to be me.

I can’t understand why I am feeling this way, I think because I can’t my feelings right now.

It’s so weird and I don’t like the way I am feeling right now. I feel like something is trying to stop me to go to America. And that’s a terrible feeling, cause I wanna feel good about going to USA. But, I don’t know why this feeling, and it’s making me anxious and nervous that what if something will stop me getting there. No I can’t imagine myself here, in India, this feeling that I don’t wanna live here, and wanna go somewhere else, is what really giving me feeling of being selfish, and that’s why guilty.

Why? Is it really wrong to choose other place as my home than one I am currently living in? Is it wrong that I don’t like it here? Is it wrong that I can’t imagine myself here?

Is it wrong to say that yeah I don’t wanna do anything here, cause I wanna be somewhere else?

I don’t know, seriously, have no idea what’s wrong or right? And even being right or wrong matters to me or not? I just don’t know, and confused, and fully conflicted. I can’t find any solution, I am not able to really figure out what’s happening with me.

I think I should just leave things on time, and I will decide based on how i am gonna feel at the moment. That think less, feel more(more).

Right now, I am just gonnna be in present.

Yesterday, I got reply back from admission counsellor from Ripon college. I asked her that if it’s possible for me to avoid the evaluation of my transcripts, and she said “it’s must”. Then, I told her that money is an issue with me and that’s why I wad thinking that maybe it could be avoided in my case, then she replied to me ” if you can’t do that even then Ripon is not a college for you”. That had just gave me shock cause I thought that, really? does it even matter that I wanna have education, is the money so important than learning? So, I told her okay “I won’t apply to Ripon then.

Few moments ago I was in love with Ripon and now I am not.

It’s really difficult for me to accept that even for educated people, they think money is more important than having rights of education. And I didn’t say that I am not gonna pay money for my education, I just said that maybe the evaluation process not to be part of my application.

It’s really hurtful to know that I have to check my balance before dreaming.

But, you know what no matter what, no matter who, I am gonna do what I wanna do, I am gonna keep dreaming what I wanna dream about, even my account balance is 0. If things like this never happened before then it will now.

One thing I totally have is to never give up. I promise that I will change the way of thinking, especially for people like me. That no one stupid, idiot, money oriented robots can decide what I should be doing, cause I am not gonna give anyone else, right of my life. I will find my way to my dream. Always. Try me if you can.

No, it doesn’t matter to me, no it don’t, and never will be. Now, I am not gonna stop myself from living my life just because of anyone else out there. I deserve to have right on my own life. This is my life and how i am gonna live it, it’s on me not on anything happening out there in the world. How,where I wanna spend rest of my life it’s on what do I love not on what other people loves hate or even they are hurting. I can’t keep hurting to make other people happy. Not anymore, no I don’t care about anyone, but me, cause I wanna live my life as I want it to. I want my life as I love it to be.

I was asking myself question today that I can’t talk about how i feel and how difficult it is for me to be silent.

I was asking the question that is it really gonna be different being in America than being here?

And first I felt terrified because I thought this is some of those questions that comes out from fear that maybe it will stop me from me being me, me living in America.

But with processing on, I think I have an answer, and that answer is yes I am gonna still live there even if I couldn’t able to find someone talk, even if it’s gonna be exactly same as here, cause the biggest point is that even if everything’s gonna be same, i’ll be happy cause that’s gonna be my decision, and life that I have chosen for myself. I am ready to go through any anything but first I want to have my life in my own hand, nobody telling me what I should do, how to do, who to be?

It’s just gonna be with all my mess, misery but still peace and satisfaction of knowing that this is me, I did everything I could. Love myself and I will have my life no matter what.

I was feeling something since yesterday that I wasn’t really getting. And today I realized what was really bothering me. It was when my ex asked me that what do I think about him. That time I got a weird feeling, something that just made me blank for that moment. And I answered him later that we two don’t belong together, we should just keep a friendly relationship. Since that moment, I am having this weird,not really likable feeling, but still it’s mine.

I was thinking, that all the time when he was telling about his pain, that he suffered, and he loved me a lot and most of the times he mentioned that I was the one who is responsible for our break-up. And I listened to him, I also told him few times that we both were responsible for our break-up.

But,you know when he asked me to be with him indirectly, it felt really bad, cause it’s like, everything that i’d suffered came across my mind. And he is kinda person that still he cares only about him, talks only about how difficult it was for him, not about me. He says that he loves me still today, but he never asked do I? Or how do I feel. Even,then it was all about him, even I was also everything about him, I was nowhere in that relationship and still yesterday I was nowhere in his pain and his thoughts.

I have been through excruciating pain that I still have memories of, and I have been through that alone, he says that I wasn’t tried to be with him after our huge fight, but it was me who has taken years to get over him,and he married just few months after. I wanted to tell everything that he made me through. But, seeing him so messed up, I decided to leave him in his own mess, and I wanna say that he doesn’t deserve me, and he never will.

I was thinking that maybe I was ignoring everything he’d been through, but no he deserve that cause he was all about himself, he never cared about me, my feelings, never respected me, never. I wanted to say that I hate him but I don’t, I can’t hate such a helpless man, who can’t get over himself, he will help me?

He is funking idiot, he is the stupediest person I have ever known. I was feeling little pain, but that pain was good cause now I feel free from all those questions that I was thinking about asking, now those questions are meaningless. He was just a past and he will always will be.

I am free that I learned that I am more important than any stupid self centered person. I know my worth now, and I love myself now. Even this pain is good cause it’s mine and only mine. Being me is the biggest gift I can give to myself.