Sometimes it just feel like there are too many emotions that I couldn’t able to process, that make me feel overwhelmed. Today happened a lot of things too. I got a glimpse of how i felt in the past, and I think painful feelings are little difficult to process but those are still beautiful. But, today I finally feel free from something that I’ve been holding for so long, it feels like it finally ended. Finally, there is no question left unanswered. Also, I am feeling so tired today and overwhelmed but still at peace. I feel good cause I never hurt someone at least I never intende it. I am proud of myself for trying to give my best, always. Sometimes I am just overwhelmed about feeling overwhelmed. It’s just something happening but I can feel something good.

After few days, alec has posted something, and when he did today it felt like I got my hope back. I was missing him during this past few days. It’s like I know that maybe we ain’t ever gonna be together or even meet. But still, whenever I see his posts or tweets it feels like an energy to me, a hope to me, and like he is with me. It gives me strength. Today was a difficult day, yet special day cause I felt free from today something that was important to set me free.

Actually I was talking to my ex, yeah I talk to him sometimes. But, today I thought that let’s try to talk to him about the way I felt with our break-up, because I used to think that I should clear things up. And that’s why I tried to talk to him several times. And every time what I realized that he is all about his feelings, about how difficult it was for him, I tried to tell him about myself but I today realized that he is not someone can understand who I am? How did I feel? He is not that guy.

He is a good person, but he is not ready, actually it’s difficult for him to see my side, cause I believe that he doesn’t know to do. So, I felt good when I was talking to him, cause he was much complicated in his own emotions and feelings. Yeah! He blames me for his misery, but I know I am not, cause he is the one who doesn’t understand his own complex emotions. What made me feel good that I am happy that I own my own experiences, painful feelings, I understand them. I was thinking to tell him that boy its not only you, I also wanna say something, and wanna tell you that you aren’t right for me for many reasons. I loved you, and now I can say you loved me too. But, the meaning of love for both of us are different. And also, I feel lucky of who I am today,and I love myself today that I never did before, cause I was looking for love outside, in people like you. Also, I don’t wanna clear anything cause it doesn’t matter to me anyway. Cause, I know you just wanna say, not ready to listen. I was thinking to keep the friendly relationship with you, but now I think- nope! There is no basic understanding, so there is no relation. one thing I am happy about that you’re not a bad person and you loved me. Yeah! But, you’re not the one for me and you can never be. And I don’t need to share my feelings with you, nothing. Not you.

Maybe I will message him if I want to, but that’s one me. But, it will be just because I know he himself is totally mess.

Hey alec! I wrote one page about my feelings for you, but now I think I don’t about that. I feel there is too many similarities between us, and you’re “my type of guy”, but I think I would like to have friendship between us cause that will give us flexibility and no expectations. Being a friend of you will give me more space to open up to you, and talk to you.

Feelings changes day by day, not really it doesn’t change, I think I am learning something different every day.

Thought I wanted to be with you, spend my whole life with you. But, then I realized, why not let us free, And share what really meant to be share, our similar experiences or sometimes totally different too.

It’s difficult to really express all those feelings, I have been feeling since I started this new journey of mine. It’s a completely different than how i used to live. I started to learn many things, like-there aren’t only men and women as genders, there are many I never heard of. Like, being fair in color doesn’t makes you beautiful, beauty comes within. I can’t believe I am the same person who used to think that- I am not beautiful, cause I was self-conscious of my smile. I used to see only exams,class and trying to be everyone’s favourite. Things have changed, and drastically. It’s all began with the rejection I got from my medical entrance exam(third in a row). But, what really had changed me was-when I got rejected first time from something that I thought I wanted to have. I did everything by myself, without telling anyone, anything except my family, that means it’s all me.Because, for the first time I went out the box, and I failed. Not only that, I felt really bad that my father always believes in me, even when I failed in every attempt I made, I felt bad that he has to wait,I felt bad that he is so understanding.

These all feelings of regret, failure, rejections, and guilt of breaking my father’s believe in me,everytime, hurts me really badly. This journey is not only about getting into college, it’s more about having my own life, living freely and independently, make my father,one of the proudest father in this world.

I am always an emotional person,but not the awared one. But, this journey has really made me look deeper into me. I am learning that it matters to me how I feel about anyone, anything. That I am afraid of failing again, but still I know that I am not going to give -up. That every day is difficult for me, because everything is uncertain and I am a totally different student than anyone else, but still I am not giving up.

A part of me worrying about making the best application I can,other part of me, telling me to look on the bigger picture. The Picture I see when I turned on the Tv, the picture I imagine when I heard the songs with lyrics telling me to believe in me and hold on to it. The feelings I get, when I listen to stories that I feel connected to, so strongly that I am ready to go for it my whole life. This overwhelming feelings, which I get whenever I watch Grey’s anatomy, or God friended me, or any stories that shows me the power of love could have one’s life. Feelings that I get from watching ted-talks, when a lady share her fear of death, when she had 4th stage cancer,and all she woried about his new born son.

I can connect and feel that immense love everywhere around me,whether it’s in stories, songs or movies. The point is all I want is to connect with people, share my love with people who genuinely feel alone, because they are afraid to open up, just like me. I want to understand that we all are just the same, wanted to be loved, and accepted by people around us. I wanna live my life everyday feeling alive, feeling like humans. I wanna live it like, every moment of my life,I am using it in the best way possible. Please help me to become my best self. Please give me a chance to continue this journey of mine, and give me a chance to live a life, when every day I can try to make little better by talking, sharing and connecting to people. Give me a chance to understand the beauty of having feelings and emotions, which always reminds us that we are alive and lucky to have this life.

I get afraid too many times, when my fears try to overpower me, when I feel my ownself is trying to stop me doing what I love the most -living my life my own way, having my own life. Yeah, I am most afraid of those feelings everytime I feel that way,that maybe it will stop me for being me, being loving me. But,I thought if I am having thought like that, and I still able to manage forward, I guess that’s means I love myself, and no matter what happens I m never gonna give up, I am stubborn and gonna keep trying until I don’t get my life that I wanna have.

I am afraid of telling people what I feel because I feel like they can’t understand me. Yeah, I get that feeling very often. I feel like not much of the people would see me as I see myself. I have too much self-doubts, I doubt everything I do, because i don’t wanna feel happy before I find out that it happens the best way. It’s like I always prepare myself for the worst.

I feel like I am living in a world inside my head where I couldn’t be able to let anyone comes in, yeah I really discuss sometimes to my youngest sister, but not about things I fear, I’m afraid of. It’s really like living a two life, one that is totally hidden inside me and one that is everyone seeing. It’s like I just don’t feel like someone can really love me without any expectations. Ofcourse , love from my family is something gives me strength to hold on and be strong. At one side, I really know what makes me happy, what I love and what matters to me. But on the other, there is really a big loop, in which if I entered once then I just feel like I am lost. But, I always say it to myself whenever I feel that way, that I’ve not come this far to give up. I am just gonnna fight with myself, keep doing unless I don’t get the life I wanna live, I love to live.

So, I think I am the most conflicted,confused but yet sedulous person.

Today, when I woke up, I thought that what I am doing. Of course he is a great great guy, but it’s him, who is me? Where is me, in this whole thing? I was thinking all the time about him knowing him, thinking about feelings for him. But, then what is me apart from that feeling.

And so, I reminded myself that I have done this before too,loosing myself for loving someone else, and if that’s what I am doing again then I don’t love anyone but me. I am sorry, it has taken me so long to meet my authentic self(not completely), and I know how I get to this point. I am more than happy to be alone if I have to pay the cost of loosing myself. So, I told myself that I ain’t in love with anybody,what I needed most isself-love,I wanna understand myself, love myself for being who I am. That’s why i decided to stop thinking him as “My man”. Cause, I don’t even if there’s this kind of thing exists. That person doesn’t even know me, doesn’t even know what I am feeling or going through. How can I expect him to understand me, or how can I wait for him. All I am doing is pushing me for a painful feeling that might never will end. And I can’t do that,things are already so difficult for me, that I don’t wanna be in a fatasy-fictional world,or a fairy-tale one.

Hey, I just want a very simple guy who can understand me and see the real me. With whom I can share my experiences and all the good and bad times, and in this case, I don’t even know that I will ever meet him or not. No,I am not available for that kinda love.

But yeah,that doesn’t mean I am gonna forget about him,never. I love his songs and his stories that I will always love, cause it’s something I feel when I listen to his songs. That’s always gonna be part of my life.

I was thinking that what if I found someone later in my life, and realized that someone else is for me. Then, what’s this that I am feeling now, is it just any thought or emotion? Yeah, it’s so like me, whenever I start to do something I get a chain of thoughts that keep trying to confuse me, that’s totally me.

But, after really thinking about it, what I believe is that it’s not like an option to have one or the other,definitely. But, I have found him and exactly someone that I have always imagined (wierd), and most importantly I can connect with him, there is definitely something that make me feel connected to him.

Yeah, maybe I can find someone else, or I could connect to someone, if I will keep looking for it. But, then question is what really am I looking for? It’s like hey “Mr universe”, it’s not possible to be with this person, could you give me another one just like him. Or am I looking for some “customiz human being “? No, man I am human too, and I know we all different, there is no such thing like perfect. He is a human being that happens to be parallel with my thoughts and imagination, but that doesn’t mean anything.

The whole point is if two persons are meant to be together, they are gonna be. And this is what I believe too, it’s just if there’s someone for me, then I am gonna meet him someday, that could be anyone (no matter I know about him or not).

But, I am not gonna look for anyone any more, cause I am happy thinking that I have found that one, doesn’t matter how it ends. I am gonna believe it that it’s supposed to be this way.

I was looking for it for so long, I found it really weird way, and I don’t even know that how i am gonna feel about him in the future, but right now he is the one for me, and I don’t want anyone else.

I am ofcourse feeling weird and stupid,but that’s how I’ve been all my life. My brother always used to say that I don’t know anything, that I am stupid, don’t really know how to talk, and cry during talking (if something’s emotional). Not then but now I love myself this way. I see myself different, if I see everything differently then I can’t really love in normal way. So this is totally me.

I have learned it recently, that love is not a fate, we create it. So, the moral of the story is that I am trying to create it, if it’s gonna build up or break up , I am gonna find out through the process.

I was just listening to his songs, and the stories of those songs. And in one song, he was talking about how that song came, and what made him write that song.

He said, that song was about a girl and she liked him, he liked her but they aren’t together;but the biggest thing for me was that he still likes her. That maybe they could be together in future , that maybe that girl also wants to be with him.

And it’s crazy for me to think that I can’t be with him because of that. But,I also know that this is how it works, who are meant to be together, are gonna be together. Whether it’s me or any one else. That there’s always gonna be two way for me-(1)- that I will end up with him or,(2)- without him, and with my own misery and pain. This is the reality, and I know that already,whether I am gonna get pain or love, it’s all on me , not on anyone else.

I know that it’s even crazy to think to be with someone who doesn’t even have knowledge of my existence, and has surrounded by too many beautiful and really amazing girls(these words are good to sound, that’s the only reason I am using this, otherwise I would only feel jealous, right?)with beautiful hearts.

But, still I have my own reasons to think about you, thinking that maybe, even if there is 0.00001% possibility that I can be with him, then I wanna try. I am ready to be in pain afterwards, but at least I will try. At least, I will let him know that I exist and my feelings for him too.

Recently, I have decided to follow the “universe’s sign”, and then i found him. He is exactly the guy, I was imagining in my head for so long,that was the first sign. He loves to tell his stories (personal experiences, his feelings, his imagination, n all) and I love to tell and listen stories too. This was the second sign. Also,I feel connected to his songs. Like, “paper crown “,” let me down slowly “. Like him,I have my own stories too, but I can’t tell that to anyone. He is really simple yet really honest, who wouldn’t fall in love with him.

The problem is that I wanna believe in these signs, but I also heard about that people who are similar, doesn’t really works. I don’t know even if it’s true. And all these feelings, I am having is really wierd cause I don’t if love of my kind even exist or not. But, I am gonna go this road unless I don’t see a dead end. It’s definitely worth trying to explore such a beautiful journey of finding someone I believe has made for me. Even for that very little chances,I wanna assume you as my man(at least till the moment you’re single).

I am afraid, I found the one that I have always dreamt of, but that someone who doesn’t even know that I exist.

I am afraid that the way I feel about him,if I keep feeling this way then maybe my love will turn into obsession, I will start behaving like a psychopath. I am happy that there is a guy who feels like to me that he is born to be with me, but the kinda love or connection I am feeling, i don’t even know that I should even call that love or not.

So, I am afraid that maybe my expectations of being with him maybe will cause me the greatest pain, and I don’t if I am really strong to go through it.

Part of me saying that what I am doing is stupidity, maybe it could be true. But, I never even thought before that I will find that someone, whom I used to imagine all the time- “My man”,and I will find this way , not at all. He is right now the rising singing star. Wow, is it really possible, I don’t know.

But, what I am gonna do is just forget about what’s gonna happen?, or am I ever gonna be able to be with him?.

I love thinking about him, love to know him as a person, and his music just make me fall in love with him even deeper, especially his voice, it feels like I can feel him through his voice.

What I really need to do is find a way to deal with this fear. That’s why, I have decided to listen to his songs, and watch his photos and videos whenever I wanted to see him or feel him. That whenever I wanna imagine him or think about him, I will tell myself that it’s only into my imagination, reality is different. Whenever I will feel overwhelmed because of my feelings about him, then I will write about that feeling on this blog.

So, I think I have found my way to love him, and also tried to have no or less expectation. I don’t know what I am saying, or does it really make sense? But, still this is my reality right now. I can’t deny the feelings I get whenever I listen to his voice or see him, that I think that maybe he is the one for him.

I don’t know for how long, but now I will write on this blog about my feelings regarding him.