Like, I don’t know it’s practical or what, or even sensible to think that maybe he is my man. Few days back I saw his song on tv for very first time, and I liked him and his song. Then,I googled him to find about him,especially his age (cause that’s my usual habit),and it was like exactly what I wanted to be. Then, I followed him on instagram, and started to see his feeds and posts. And, found that he is also an emotional person, cares a lot about his family.

He is exactly a kind of guy that I dream for myself, a white guy with a different eye color than mine, should be American, not with body-building thing. He is everything like that, in addition, he is a brilliant singer, and just caught my eyes up the moment I saw him. From, day1 it feels like something connects with me. Like, I love to fantasies myself with actors I see in movies or music, but I couldn’t be really able to do that before I found out alec.

It’s like everything I feel is different from every time before,I can’t deny that. And the more I am trying to learn about him, I am seeing myself more connected to him. Like, he says he writes his songs by things he sees in his mind or the way he feels. Like him, I like to create stories of myself with my love.

Then, his recent song “let me down slowly ” is about his relationship breakup, and he talked about that he found the other person kinda dominating. Like him again, I had a relationship pretty much like him.

It’s like everything is connecting wire of my hearts to him, I know it sounds like stupid but I can’t really stop thinking about the way I feeling.

I don’t know what all this really is, universe giving me sign or something, maybe I am fooling myself. But, it seriously feels really great, that there is a guy exactly as I like to be with one. I don’t really think so that I will even meet him ever or get a chance to really confess my feelings.

But,it just feels great to even think about him, and thanks to digital media that I can always know about him, that I can see him, listens to him whenever I want.

That I don’t know that if I would be ever with him or not but I can always feel him through his music, always. And knowing he is single right now, and don’t thinking about dating anyone right now really excites me.

At least even for the lies, till the time he is gonna be single I can call him “my man”. Yes,I am falling in love with Alec Benjamin. I know reality and limit of my love, at least I m free to love. Good night my man.

I am afraid, blood in my viens and my heart is racing, I really don’t know why?, but I am feeling it. I wanted to laugh really when my father was laughing today but I can’t feel that laugh, I was just faking it.

But, I know I can go through anything, I am very strong not just to say but I really am. I have hold myself for so long and now I am not gonna give up when I know that I am very very close to my own life that I wanna live. I am very close to my dream turning into reality. I know that I can do this and I will. I am gonna make it, yes I will make it to my life. I will make it to the America-my freedom, my love and my own life without any fakeness.

The very first thing is to find the true happiness from within us, that true love resides within us. As human we go through too many challenges, and every single day has something to offer, and we feels various kinds of emotions regards to that. And in that process we only like the good ones cause this is what we have been made to be expert on. That we should find happiness, then I wanna know what’s about the sorrows. I meant to say I think we are looking only on the part of the problem, no we don’t want happiness to live our lives in best way, we need “the unconditional love”.

That love teaches us to accept every single thing, every side of ours. That makes us whole, and the best part is it’s just within ourselves.

So I wanna be on journey to experience that unconditional love in myself, and also I am gonna try to help other people to find it within themselves.

Cause, we all wanna feel loved but first we have to find it inside us. Cause only that person can love others, unconditionally.

So,let’s just work together to find that unconditional love.

All those people who were the part of my life in past, hasn’t space in my life now. That’s because that time I wasn’t me. I was someone people wanted me to be, I was bunch of rules and discipline that needs to be followed in order to love or to be loved. That’s why i never really shared what’s really has inside me all those times. How the way I really felt about everything, to no one ever.

But,since the time I found myself connected with stories and emotions through tvs and music, I have really seen that who I am? What do I really care about? Who do I wanna be? My likes, dislikes, what I love what matters to me. And I realized I wasn’t that person I was living my life as, until now. It’s all just a lie of being with people just like all the other people around me. Actually, I didn’t really get it,what’s really people are except my own family. Now i am on a journey to know myself and learning every day something about me and I lobe to talk about it to the people I love genuinely.

You know what, one thing frome yesterday I am thinking that what if I will fall in love with someone so strongly that I will give up on everything.

And I think what I get for answer to this question is that I wanna fall in love with myself so strongly that I don’t wanna let anyone in. After so long, I habe really felt this self-love and things I truly love,and I feel connected to the emotions that I go through it everyday. You know nothing is much stronger than self-love. I love myself, my dream and my passion so strongly that no other thing can replace that, I won’t let my authentic self lose this time. Cause, this is who I am,if I won’t care what’s matter to me, and what I love then who the hale will be.

You know what I don’t know everything all the time. But it’s become my habbit to literally try to make sense of everything, and that’s not possible. Cause, I am not the special case, I am also a human like others, and I also don’t have answers to everything and anything. That’s okay, actually that’s more normal not knowing everything.

I keep juggling my thoughts between what do I want and love and all, and keep circling around it. I am not helping myself this way, I am more like hurting myself. Stop questioning every thing I do.

I think it would be much better if I stop thinking too much and start feeling more, and most importantly start connecting to things that matters to me. I think it would be really better if I shift my focus from what I don’t like to what I really love. And I love “love”. I watched a YouTube video talking about the true love and I wanna experience that, that’s what I love to do.

Love is not only to love other human being or myself, it’s with every single that we share this life with this planet, trees, wind,sea,animals,and this whole universe. Love is not really about loving,it’s sharing the love with every part of this universe. Love is just love and I love myself and what I want.

From my heart to head, I was asking myself what do I want? What’s the meaning of my life.

Why I need to wake up every morning, why need to sleep. What’s the purpose of coming sun during day, what’s the point of moon in the night.

Why this planet is so different from others,why we get this life? Why it’s perfectly imperfect to make possible the human’s life? Am I only gonna sleep and wake up, ignore the very fact of life? We are the only creature maybe,who has got intelligence,emotions and understanding of lives.

Are we gonna just waste this life or we gonna find the meaning of lives? Are we gonna pass our animal behaviour and become more sensible and sensitive human kind?

Some days it’s difficult to even understand myself, there were times when i just don’t get it what’s happening with me. like, i question to those people who are my whole world, it feels really wrong and i feel guilty. And i don’t like that feeling. Then, sometimes the whole day i just keep doubting myself, questioning my own actions, questioning people i care about the most. i believe that’s how we are, that’s why we are human, i don’t want these thoughts and feeling to stop but i wanna make a balance with what i want and what’s happening. And i believe it’s all in my own hand, i can really make a difference in my life, by accepting things how it is. Understanding that it’s okay to be this way, it’s okay if will reach somewhere i don’t expected to be. What’s really important is that i never give up on myself, never look down upon me. That i sometimes i do something that i don’t mean or intend to. What’s important that i always stay with myself not against, that i never give up on my dream, my life. All i want is to be my authentic self, that i can be same inside outside.

You know,  I have a problem to stick at a question until I don’t find the answer to the question.                                                Like, today I am stuck at- I should see a therapist .

So the very first thing that’s coming right now into my mind is that I am not gonna do what I should do rather I am gonna do what I wanna do or what I love to do.

And secondly, why I wanna see a therapist,  what’s that reason because of which I decided to do this . So, I woke up at 4 p.m. today, and decided to see a therapist because I though I can’t control my feelings, I wanted to avoid this whole thinking process. I want to stop hurting myself, I believed that maybe I have ptsd, depression or anxiety. But is this true ?…

No, it’s not, I am not suffering from any of these because if I would have then, I couldn’t able to sense love and couldn’t anle to enjoy “new girls” or wouldn’t have love the song “My Love”. Yes, of course there is a problem but not like this, I think a lot but about me, my life about my purpose and what do I want, what matters to me most. This is my problem and this is the part of self growth, part of self -learning.  I have love around my from my loved ones, I have beautiful purpose of living- to being there for all those people who aren’t able to see light and been in darkness for so long- I wanna love them and not as a professional but as someone who loves them a lot for who they are; I am alive and healthy.

How can I be depressed or anything if I know the value of love and life and especially who I am.

I am planning to be a lgbtq counselor, and I have started to read about them. One thing that I believe is common between us is that like them I also want to be my true self.

Because, I feel like I am trapped in some where, in some persona that people would like or love, into some tags like a good human being or good person, selfless person. All these beliefs, question has just crushing my real self, my authentic self. I am feeling like I can’t escape from here but I will, because I am strong that I know.   For, very long time all I wished for is to become a good human being, and now that concept of mine is killing me every moment. Now I am thinking that – really am I wanna be a good person that’s making me feel frustrated and irritated. And I don’t wanna feel this way , if this is stopping me to become who I really am, then yeah I don’t wanna be a good human being or selfless person. I just wanna live my life as being me, knowing that yes I can say anything that I want without thinking, go anywhere even if it’s wrong, if that’s I feel like me. I just wanna do what I want and break every single wall that stopping me. And if that means people will never like me, then even that’s fine with me but I can’t be a good person at the cost of loosing myself, who really I am.

All I ever wanted is that people loves me, but I don’t wanna be loved on the expense of dying inside and not being able to say how I really feel. I am ready to not to be loved but love myself no matter what, and listen only to my inner self, not some bunch of beliefs that’s killing me.

 

Since, I have started to really learn about the lgbtq people, I am feeling like, I am just like them – not literally but metaphorically. I have similarities with them in the sense of emotional self, how do I see myself. That , I don’t really like this subjective beliefs and rules that seems biased to me.

That, our society doesn’t really like people who are different from us, but that doesn’t mean that I will stop being my true self. No, I am not gonna do this. Because, there is always something new, change is inevitable, whether we accept it or not. So, I am gonna live this life as myself, and won’t follow rules, which aren’t objective, which is not for the humanity and love.

I am gonna contribute my part in building an “objective – world”, a place where everyone has equal rights to live and be happy, whether they are similar or different.