We judge ourselves very easily and weigh very little of who we are.

I have realized that I am different, that I don’t like to follow the so called rules which is same for everyone, which doesn’t give you enough room to grow. This is not how this world had created, diversity is always its specialty, that means – variation is the life on this planet. So, I am not really gonna compromise, definitely not gonna change myself for something that is not really for the best interest of every single organism breathing on this planet.

And another thing, I am proud of that I have decided to follow my heart, I’m proud that  I decided to become a therapist for LGBTQ.  Doing this job for me living a life that I will be proud of every day, and in nowhere I am gonna accept the things,I don’t like.                           Helping them to embrace their lives and most important thing is – embracing the differences, really stand for something in which I believe deeply just like the ocean.

These emotions are the big part of who I am. Every single thing I do, I feel an emotion that gives me a sense of myself. Like, today is  valentine’s day of 2019, I watched today an incredible love-story of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry. It wasn’t like fairy tale at all but it was the beautiful and living proof of real love.

Today, I decided to just watch the TV whole day, because today the shows were really meaningful to me. But, then I felt a sense of guilt about I am doing useless thing, but really-is that true? Is that what I was doing? Then, I said to myself that no I am not doing useless things, anything that makes me realize that I am human, I have emotions too, and I love love-stories, then everything makes sense.

I am not someone who is launching satellite or someone who discovers new technology to create revolution in the world. But, I definitely do something that makes me feel happy and alive, I will do something that will help people see the value of their happiness and life.

Also,I wanted to talk about a guy, today on IG I got someone who had followed me back. But, soon after that I started to get weird feelings, that what if I started to like him, started to like someone I don’t even know or maybe never see. I know I am stupid, but these feelings and emotions kind of played me out many time, like this time,

We live with one of our cousin, who behaves literally like a psychopath. When he gets angry, he does really irritating things, try to annoy everyone. I feel furious and even to the extent that I wanna punch him in face. And every time I feel anxious, whenever he start to shout.

Today, I was really thinking about this, that maybe I don’t get annoyed because his behavior rather because I perceive the situation that way. I think that he does every single thing that irritates us, but maybe reality is different. Because, it doesn’t necessarily true. I get anxious because to me, I don’t like the way he behave, but he is that way.

So, the point is that I am not ready to accept that he can be different than I perceive, that I need to look on the other side too, in order to understand this situation better.     He is behaving stupidly because he can’t control his anger, he finds that way easy. He doesn’t himself and that’s why he can’t control his emotions. And that makes him a victim of his own anger, and I see this as an irritating behavior to me. I think using a wider perspective in situation like this can really help me to feel calm and peaceful. Good night to me.

Yesterday, I was feeling like I am in the worst place, everything is worst. Like, I don’t have any hope, and everything around me is wrong. Thinking that why we are in this position, why I have to live with munna bhaiya. I call him bhaiya and doubting that he is not a good human being. Thinking that everything is wrong. But, now I am really feeling redeemed and full of hope, love. And yesterday, I was in anger, misery and disbelief, doubts about my situation and his love. That’s totally changed my perspective of today and yesterday.

Instead of assuming everything and especially in negative sense, I am now going to look through another eye and another glass. And make my life full of love and hope and truth and communication. Everything is great if I wanna see it this way, I know how to love myself whether I am wrong and right.

Dr B.J. Davis. Today when I heard him on Ted-talks, talking about his own experience. I felt like he is my mentor, once it came to my mind that I want to be like him, but I am an individual with my own identity. But still he is my inspiration now, now I want to study clinical psychology like him. He is my first mentor now, and I am making myself a promise that I will try to work under him whenever I’ll get the chance and will say to him that how impactful his life and that one talk is for me.

I love to think about it that how powerful we are if we just believe in ourselves. Thank you sir .

Good night jyoti, and be who you want to be, break every boundary because I know you can.

Yeah! I ask myself a lot of times, of different kinds. But, today the question is specific about “sex”, yeah! something  that not at all allowed to discuss and think about it, in our culture. So, it was always a mystery to me until i didn’t started to watch YouTube videos or reading articles about it. Because, it is not as uncommon out in the world as i used to thought.

You know, secretly i have been thinking about it several times cause we humans can’t be deprived of these sexual feeling and emotions. But, the question was- that i dreamed of having sex with my future love. You know what last 2 days, i was trying to picture that image and felt something. After that day, i started thinking that what do i think about it. Once, i have told my sister that i will try to date if i am interested in someone and try to find out that is that person is someone i want to be with someone. And i mean that i will date several people if it will be necessary to find that one for me. You know what that dream and that talk with my sister had started to confuse me. That what do i want? Am i enjoy sex? or am i looking for love through that? I was too distress thinking that maybe i am only interested in sex not love, and i became too afraid with that thought. You know, it’s funny because that doesn’t define that i am a bad girl just because i would prefer sex over love;maybe it can be a problem or maybe a disease or may be as common as sex outer in the world. I don’t know that what does that mean that i am afraid of.

I am writing this to clear my confusion, through writing this i understood that just because i am thinking that maybe sex is over love for me doesn’t mean that i am a bad person, what about some people who thinks this way. Also, by thinking about this, i learned that no for me sex is never everything about love. Sex is not bad thing, it is the most beautiful gift God has gifted us, it is a way we bond with people, power of creating a new life and bring two completely unknown people so close that they live their life for each other. I am not a bad person neither do the sex. I have been imagining my future with every important element that i wish to be in my life. So, it is completely okay to think that doing anything if we believe that we want to do. If you don’t know that you’re right or wrong then, you will find about it and learn.And if you know that, then think about that who you are and what you wanna do. Eventually, never stop yourself doing anything that you wanna do, because no matter what you will learn. 

i don’t know what’s happening.I am feeling so uncomfortable,i actually can’t understand how i am feeling right now. It’s like everything is out of my control,i don’t know what i am thinking and why? Every new discussion making me feel like i am wrong.I am so confused,i seriously don’t know what do i want,what am i doing? God help me,please. I am just loosing sight of everything. I want to go to an america and start my life there, just as my,i want to make that country my first home,is that wrong? Tell me God,i can’t choose my own way to live my life? 

I want to help people,i want to help them  in every possible way but i can’t .When my sister was telling me that because of some people,other people are facing problems. Then,i felt bad that people are problem here and i am doing nothing about it. Like,what’s happening even if i stay here,then what will i do? How can i make difference? People don’t even care that i am here or not,i can’t join politics cause i hate it.I hate that people thinks money gives them happiness that’s why i don’t wanna do this.The fact is by going to america i will learn,i will get a mentor and some friends to make my dream a reality. That’s i don’t have here.I don’t hate my country,neither i am gonna forget where i came from, i just wanna be somewhere  i can feel myself. I don’t wanna be an activist,i am not Mahatma Gandhi,i am ‘Jyoti’,i love the power of caring and love one people has for other that’s “the humanity”:the best part of being human.

I know what do i want,i am doing what i want then why i am not feeling relaxed,why i am so afraid and confused.I know myself much better than i used to before. I was writing something in my application yesterday,and i found out that i was just listing the circumstances that i have been till now and those circumstances are not me. My actions,my thinking, my perspective and my feelings that’s what defines me,this is who i am? Every day i fight with myself knowingly or unknowingly but that helps me to grow,know about myself more.

I think i know why i am feeling panicked,because my past experiences is affecting my present.Just because,i have failed several times doesn’t mean i am stupid or  wrong. I am also human,i can also  feel broken and that’s okay, i am not gonna loose just because i never pass until now. It’s okay if i feel guilty,it’s okay if i feel miserable cause these are also part of me,it’s okay if i feel sad it’s okay if i am confused cause,all this is a part of who i am. What’s important that i never forget who i am,that i am not harming any one. That what i am doing is not only best for but for whole humankind.I am only one and i am also gonna focus on only one thing-spreading happiness. I am just as free as a bird the whole sky is mine and whole land and ocean,i mean the planet earth is my home. India is not my country,it’s one place where i born;just one very smaller part of my home.I am a human not only an indian. I love people not only indian.

So what i will do is to help people not only indian.Every good or bad experience is just a part of me.

Since the last two days,one thing is really stressing me-about my identity. I was questioning myself that why do i want what i want. It is so difficult for me to spend these two days, i was feeling so lost and miserable. From the last two days,the way i was feeling just like i have lost everything,like i am not alive  anymore. I was feeling alone and like nowhere to go.The question was-is it right to leave this country to live my own life? The change i wanna make is deserve to be started from my own country,that my first responsibility is to serve my own people?But who are those “my people”,whom can i call my people? So,just because i born here,just because very few people whom i call my own live here,is this the thing stressing me out,making me feel guilty and selfish. Why am i afraid of living for myself and thinking about my ethnicity? All these relationships have come to me because of my father,all this identity of mine is not really mine,i am not here because i chose to be here, I am here because that’s my father choice,this all has been gifted to me by my parents. That’s not my identity,that’s not who i am.

I am who i think i am,i am who i see myself ,i am who i feel every moment, i am who that i am feeling guilty about for being guilty. But i am not doing anything wrong, i am just being ME. I just want to listen to myself,do only i want to do,not because this is what i should be doing because that wouldn’t be me,that would be my  values that has been possessed on me by society,by other people,by culture since all these year. I am feeling bad because i am seeing myself differently that i used to see myself. But,not anymore,no more social,cultural and any values which are stopping me to being my true self.

I am independent and free that means ,i am allowed to be me and why i will hide myself.I will go to america because that’s what i want ,this is me . I will and can live anywhere because,i won’t let anyone classify me into any category because that’s not their job. It’s my life and it’s my job to see where i wanna belong.

I am applying for college still…..,yeah for the 5th time. And i am worrying about not failing again and that’s why every single thing that i read or watch makes me feel like i was not at all near to all those 99% of students who are getting every year into college. I keep worrying about that i didn’t volunteer,i didn’t do any job and i also didn’t do community service;this all makes me think that will the college will consider me as a potential student,starving for knowledge to make a change? Every day i fight with myself in my head:one that’s keep saying that you are showing your honesty and your true self to college,they want diversity and realness but then on the other side there is fear of not being a complete student who is good in every field. One time i think that i should trust myself ,i am not useless,yes if i don’t have much knowledge of outer world much but i have some invaluable experiences that changed me completely:my perspective. Sure, i do not have a pretty cool degree on paper but i have so much in my heart and head. I am a girl who has lived a life without her mother since age of 8 and learn everything by herself from relationships forming to living yourself to sex education to becoming a fighter.

Yes, i have doubts and fear because that happened so often that broke my optimistic attitude, i have a dream and wish to make it a reality one day.I try everyday to stand against this doubt and fear, i fight everyday so that i can reach my dream reality. I don’t know anything that how this world works and how all this college gonna accept me but i know that i am gonna try no matter what happens,no matter how hard it’s going to be because i don’t know what will i do if i won’t do this.

I hope one day i will be reading these articles  when i will be in my college and looking back the hardship i faced so that i understand why i did this.I seriously don’t know what is the objective meaning of hardship but this is what for me:filling like i am just stuck somewhere,hoping that my brother wouldn’t get angry with me and my father will stop worrying about us.I am gonna give my best every time don’t know how many times,but this is who i am, i can’t do a job that’s bothering me neither i am gonna do volunteer just to be appear good,i will keep trying but as i am not to be fit into the college criteria. All my life i learn to take care of myself,my sisters ,our family that has taught me enough to be a good human being and i am happy doing this . Love helping my sister and my father to make this family work together,love is everything for us.

Once i had seen the strongest face of family love and strength of relationship. My aunts and uncle all was standing with us and my father in an unusual situation. That time i had seen the power of love has,how it healed the really deep wounds. Everyone had showered love upon us. But that time wasn’t for always,with increasing age of mine that bond of relationship started to weakens. Now that place of love has taken away by money. This need of money was too much stronger than the power of love. It is like tsunami which has power to force the strongest tree to fall to the ground. After the tsunami,life never appears as beautiful as it was before. That’s whats happen to life and relationships. Now no one loves us unless we are not giving them financial support. They will love and respect us only if their money-needs get meet from us. This is really painful for me whom i used to call my mother or seen her as one,now i can’t even think of talking to her.

Something that was so important for a family to be unite ,now has lost under the mud of money. This missing love has made me realize it’s importance that why i need to understand the place of money and love have in my life,how i need to make a balance between the love and money . I feel great to have at least few relationships that are woven by love and care even now. And in order to not to lose this precious gift of beautiful life, i need to keep enlightening the light of love. For that we just need to keep feeling the depth of ocean of honesty,love and humanity in our heart. A world where a father never give up on loving his child even the child themselves has their grandchildren,and mother never miss to cry when she hold her child into her hand no matter that her hand has that strength or not. We human are social animal and so we need this love and interaction of our loved ones. We should never forget the meaning it gives to our life,love should never be lost from our world so never loose them who you love just because of money.