Yeah right, it is complicated because relationships are. It is cause we plan something and reality becomes something else. Same was with me, I was believing in some fairy tale love from not so real person but I think that’s the way it is. Right now, I am thinking about it because if I won’t now then it’s going to make me confuse all the time. Actually, I am thinking about the emotions I am feeling right now. And this is not at all the feeling of love for that person. It is actually why I do care or affect with his name. Maybe because no one forgets their first love, it was stupid but I had. So, do I need to really affected by him or I just relax? Of course the second one. Thinking of it, I don’t see him in my life again never. Because I would never trust people like him and the second thing I have learned from that is I love my independence and I don’t need someone to tell me what I need to do or control my life at all.

I am thankful to my ex because of him I have learned a great lessons about people and their behavior at least a smaller view. I have realized that I am who is important to me. I love myself because no body does me and thanks to everyone that has taught me love myself.

So, I think what’s really important that I give time to myself and see why that emotion is complicating. And I did and it help me to understand that all I need to listen to me. And everything will become clear.

It’s not always easy to be strong all the time. We are humans and we cry when we get hurt and feel low when things are tough. How I am feeling now is not easy to explain. I am scared of letting down my own expectations and also responsibilities towards my loved ones. I definitely feel alone sometimes,there is no one I can talk about my concerns. Something that I can’t tell my family at least cause I don’t want them to worry about me. This is the best place where I can say anything about my feelings. Cause I am pretty sure that no one is interested in my blog writing. It’s scary to plan such a big step but I keep saying to myself that I am unique that’s why I am doing this. There is ocean of uncertainties and I am moving with just a boat of positivity and believe. The current of ocean is continuously trying to unbalanced my boat but I can’t give up. I believe i have one quality of not giving up and I will keep going on with it. Will I drown or cross the ocean? don’t know ,but I’ll carry on. However hard it’s going to be, I will not give up. Because it’s not mere a dream to cross the ocean but it’s a wish of being free and independent.

I wanted my father and brother to be proud on me. By the way, my younger sister is also on a mission of being herself and create an identity of herself. I feel really proud to see her determination and hard work .

I have learned one thing during this whole scary thing that life is mixture of sweetness and bitterness. Sometimes you are delighted to have sweet but you also need hot flavour sometimes. Sometimes you don’t expect and it happens ,I believe that’s the beauty of life. Good night to me.

If I would say one name then it will be unfair to everyone who has become teachers of my life whether directly or indirectly. This list is quite big but on top of this is “my father”. My father is more than a parent to me,he is my bestest friend,a support an inspiration and an idol and it goes on like this. When I think of him I see all those sacrifices,care and hard work to become our mother too. Few times I feel guilty that I hurted him several times and do not understand him but he always shown his immense love. I guess that’s what we called parent is. You know my father is someone whom I cannot describe in words.

Another lesson I got from musicians and 2 of them are “Justin bieber and BTS”. Of course I have learned from them, their honesty, simplicity and dedication to become themselves.

One YouTuber Ali abdaal,I have learned very invaluable lessons about lives and my dream of becoming a surgeon.

List doesn’t end here,I keep learning from my younger sisters and elder brother.

I feel very lucky to have these teachers in my life. But I don’t always able to be a good student. Sometimes I doubt them or disrespect them as a bad child. But I also learned one lesson from this experience that it’s not bad to do wrong but it’s absolutely wrong to do bad even knowing that it is. I am not a perfect human and nobody else even my teachers. And so i believe I can’t expect myself to be always correct and feeling guilty all the time rather I should accept myself with my flaws and appreciate that it’s okay if you wrong sometimes but learn.

After spending years of my life when I first meet myself then I realized how far I have come and how rich I have become. Because I can see now the invaluable experiences that I had all through these years. I feel lucky and blessed to have those lessons that is now gives me the feeling of proud. I love myself that I keep moving and never stop whether the storm of hardships tried to push me back or the flow happiness taking me away from myself. I am really thankful to God that I am a person right now that I feel I should be.

When I see myself now as a three time failure in medical exams,I also see a lucky girl who has gotten a golden chance to know herself better. When I see myself as a child who was thinking that might be she had more money so she could celebrate her birthday so warmly as others were doing but now proud of her situation because that helped her to become self-efficient.

When I remembered the time after my mother died,me and my siblings had to live apart and our father had to work to feed us and educate us. Then I remembered all those moments that wasn’t perfect I regreted then but now I am glad that I had that experience because that taught me to be strong and fearless, girl should not be quiet about any molestation and harrsament or any discrimination. I learned that we girls are also human and deserve equal respect and rights and we will take it.

All I want to say that this world is so beautiful and our life is full of the best and only happy moments. It’s just we need to take a look at it with the learning eyes. There is beauty in everything. Of course things going to be worse sometimes cause that’s the life and it’s also okay to feel bad too. But don’t forget to look on the lesson that bad experience has taught you cause that’s a secret of happiness.

You know what every advantage has a disadvantage. As I am trying to become self-dependent as the “confusions”are growing.                    As currently what’s going on my mind is that how I am gonna manage my dream and my love,family and all. This question arised because of my past experiences when I had a relationship and I had become a pshyco. Yeah like dying in love kind and even forgot about my dream of becoming a surgeon.          And this confusion has succeeded in frieghtening me. But somehow that past experience has made me realize that no things aren’t going to be same like before.

I have learned a lesson from that experience that if I’ll feel like this again then I will think about my priorities, what’s more important for me because eventually it’s all about me.

So as a conclusion,I am trying to say that confusions are always gonna be there,we can’t avoid that but we can think and find out the way to clear it. Because it’s our confusion and that’s why we should look out for solution by ourselves. And when you do that you feel like nothing is tough for you.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton