Hello…! So it’s been some time since I wrote something. And today I have something important to share….. (Yeah I know… Nobody’s really reading it but that doesn’t matter, cause it’s about me anyway). So few days ago something happened and that shook me.

I’m not really sure if the incident was really that serious or not but in my head…… Girl….. It was scary as hell… . I’m still not sure what really happened that day(14/05/21). It’s just after that day I’m feeling like I don’t know, what if it happens again….., what if we couldn’t figure out what’s wrong this time… , what if I may die just like this….., what if next time something happens to me and I wouldn’t be cured and… , don’t know……. All I know that I’m scared and I don’t want my life to end now. All I know is that i hope it won’t be this way. I don’t wanna die…. at least not now. And that’s what I’m scared of.

You know nothing big happen that day…it was just an unpleasant feeling through my whole body…and soon I was this fear that if I don’t get treated then I might die..that’s all I was thinking that day. And then we went to hospital and with little treatment I was totally fine. It was some gastric issue… but i didn’t know and I don’t know where that fear came from…..,…………. but that day I realised that I don’t wanna die…… not yet.

Not until I become me for all, I won’t be hiding who I really am…, not until I am where I really belong……., not until I make it to my home, that’s mine….., only mine…… .

So yeah I was scared to die that day and I still am and I don’t know if this fear would ever go away. I feel like if I’d get ill again then I’m gonna die…. so since then I’m trying hard to make sure that I don’t do anything that might bring bme again to the same place, I guess. But hey I think I’m missing on the most important part here… My life…., I am basing my every decision around death, I’m so focussed on not end up dead that I think I’m not really living the way I should be… Cause that fear caught me so bad.

Oh yeah! I’m scared as hell…but I think i’m gonna be okay like all the other times..this is also an another challenge of my life….like all the other times. And i’m sure that i’mma come out much better on the other side. Also I believe that no my story haven’t even started yet, there’s no way it’s gonna end. No it can’t be,it won’t be, this i’mma try to believe and I’ll remind myself this everytime.

But that doesn’t mean i’mma ignore my fear of death, I won’t cause this feeling is also a reminder that I’m still alive. This fear might never go away but whenever I’ll have this next time , I won’t be scared of it but appreciate it that it shows that how bad I want my life, how bad I wanna live. So this fear of mine maybe look scary but it’s just beautiful to see what it means to be alive.

Wow! With everyday passing by, it’s getting tougher, I keep pretending to smile when I’m hating everything, in my heart. Cause I’m putting on a face that’s not mine, cause the people I love …want me to.

And I wish they would understand the pressure they’re putting me through just cause they care about them, but they don’t listen when I say I don’t give a damn, they’re nothing to me. I wish they’d care more about me than the people who ain’t even real to them. I wish they would also choose only, who brings happiness to them, not who put them through shit. And that’s I don’t really understand that we always choose ” what we should than what we want.

The worst part of everything, is that they all know, that the people they are doing all this for, the people they want me to lie for, is a liar themselves.

Wish we’d become more courageous and open than being afraid of telling the truth and setting boundaries.

What’s not happiness, shouldn’t be a chosen, Lie is a choice, only if you wanna make One you love, should matter to you most than the one you know, will never love you.

I never get this why, we hurt beneath and still smile, just for the people, who’s never gonna be there. And we know all this, and still we lie and expect all of those, who related to you, to lie.

It’s the very reason, I wanna leave and live my own life, where it’s only me. I don’t have to put up with this shit, that’s killing me , in deep within. And yeah, still I’m always gonna love, the people I love, cause I’ve seen them ,I’ve seen their real side. And I’ll always love them for their real self.

But I’ll be leaving, cause loving them doesn’t mean, living be them, but standing by them, always. Still, I will live a different life than they think I should, I AM GONNA BE ME.

Just because I’ve to go through it, doesn’t mean you should too. Well it’s been a hell of a ride for me, smiles were more than tears but it was all a lie. No body really cared what it was, when everything was crushing down inside. Well I learned, I learned it through time, I found my way, I found my way to make it all mine. Pain is me, I am pain, can’t live without it, that’ where I reside.

Till now, all I wanted, is me. Nothing else I wish for. Then today, had a thought inside my head, about all those souls, who hiding under the water cause they don’t know if they can make it, all of those, who don’t know where they belong. Every heart, which is broken or breaking or gonna break somehow. REALLY, do they need to go through it all alone, just because I did.

No, No way. I will be there for them, holding their hands, when they are all alone. I’ll be there, when they couldn’t stand, I’ll stand by them, holding their hands, till they can’t stand by themselves.

The only thing I’m gonna have, by being there for them, is be someone I never have. Cause I know how it feels, if you dying on your own and don’t even make it to your grave, cause you’re not really dead but you couldn’t remember when you’re really alive was. And no way, In any life, hope for anyone to feel this way.

But I’m lucky cause I’m who I am, cause I had what I had. No I don’t regret anything I did, or I wouldn’t change a single thing that happened.

Anyone out there, who feels the same way as me, I want you to know, You’re not alone, cause I wanna be there for you, FOR ME, ONLY ME.

Cause If I can be the someone I’ve always looked for, then I’ma be bigger then who I am, and that’ll be the best gift the life can give me. Purpose of my life will be fulfilled.

Well the only thing i ever need, to become someone i always need.

End for today.

I know that this is what life is, sometimes black , sometimes white , sometimes grey , sometime colorless or sometimes clueless. I know, not everyday, every moment, it’s gonna be easy, but is that means, that i shouldn’t feel this way, i shouldn’t be right to hurt. Cause, God, wow this pain is too much, and i’m trying my best to hold it in, cause i don’t want anyone, anyone to disrespect my feelings, my pain, cause this is too special for me. And i don’t wanna be judged again, for being real, i’m happy for the lies they think i am.

But you know, God, what it takes to lie, to pretend that nothing is going on, when everything is into flames. You know everything, I guess, that’s how it goes when you’re walking alone. And i know i’m hurting, God you know, I can’t put it into words, how much. It’s the time of testing my patience and resilience and you know what, i’m gonna top it, cause, you know, i got your blessings, blessing of beautiful love. In this toughest of times, i’d have lost myself, if i’d not have blessed with my identity, very belief of who i’m.

You know, when it hurts, it hurts like i can’t have my another breath, just the thought of living my life in my new york city , gets me through every moment, every day.

And you know, that’s the beauty of it, that’s the reason i’m falling deeper for myself, falling deeper in who i’m gonna be. So thank you for today or every coming day.

Oh i’m gonna cry, i’m gonna bleed till my last breath, but i’m not dying, cause this love is too strong and it’s gonna hold me up. Cause, if i’m taking these shits only cause i know, the tomorrow is mine. So yeah, this pain is what’s gonna build the tomorrow i’m dreaming.

Yeah, but it still hurts God…oh too much…..too much….and it’s only you….i can lean on to ….please hold me, show me your mercy, shower your love over me, i need you, give me strength.

love you God,Love my NYC.

No Never                                                          i don’t wanna say it 

to someone, it’s just the empty words,

so don’t ask me again

anyway you don’t care

so don’t pretend 

cause I know You don’t care. 

I’d never tell them,nothing about me.   Cause I know they don’t care what I think, how I feel. What I say, is just a noise to them, when I try to show ’em my feelings, all they see is a girl who is oversensitive and Overthinking.

And I’m so done with it, they claiming to know me, but they couldn’t even see me.

So whatever it is, they think, I don’t care. I’ll stay quite and let you think that you’re right. Cause I don’t wanna clear your misunderstanding.

Cause I’m so done with it. So I’m never gonna say it, I’d never tell you.

Never, cause this way it’s better, for me.

 

I don’t get it nothing, even if I try I can’t.  I just found someone, a great musician, I loved his music, I followed him.  And sent him a message trying to show how I really felt with his songs.

I kinda felt something through his songs, his voice is something, cause I felt good listening to him. He is a kinda simple guy I can tell.

But when he ignored my message, I felt really bad. I know I’m a total stranger to him, also maybe I’m a bothersome to him. But to me, I was trying to connect, I was really trying to just talk to someone. I thought we could talk about something, something that has meaning.

Listening to his songs I believed I could talk to him but now I learnt that that’s not true.

I find it really weird how we see everything, how we choose things, how we limit ourselves to only thing that we know. Like be friends with only who know, only from our own circle, or maybe just who more like us.

But I don’t think, it needs to be this way, cause we all are people, we all are human. Yeah we ain’t directly related to each other, but at the basic we all are same just a human.

Maybe I don’t know you, (whoever gonna read it,or maybe only me) I don’t need to know you, just to feel you, just to understand you.

I wanna leave this country, this place cause I don’t feel belong here, cause here I can never be me, cause here I can’t get along with these people, their values, and their meaning.

I’m just different, and I wanna go to a place that’s more like me, open and more humane, more real. No I’m not looking for a place where things never go wrong, cause that place can never be my home. Cause I myself is a mixture of flaws and goodness. I just know that I’ve a heart and soul, I wanna be in a place where I can use that. And gladly I found my place, the place where I belong.

I know I’ve talked about this so many times but I can’t get enough of it. Talking about it again and again really makes me Happy and straight on my way.

Good night.

I just wanna say people are really losing the meaning of being a human. They give more importance to how it should be than how it really is.

Love to me. 😊

No it’s not possible not to mention thise word up there, coronavirus.                   Our lives has changed in so many ways.

And mine, I take a big turn. Since past few days lot has happened.                        I decided not to go to college, not only in USA but I am not getting any degree. I know how it sounds and I know how people would react to this. Most importantly,many will see see me worthless and not enough or whatever.  But I have decided I won’t get any degree, I’ll be just 12th passed. Trust me I am totally aware of how people will see me. But it’s time I stop thinking about them and start thinking about me. 

One more thing, and the most important one is I wanna be a songwriter now. Cause I think this is the best way I can be my true self. I will say what I wanna say through music, my words will wrap within melodies. And most importantly that I am gonna be fine with my music even if no ones gonna be around me,cause maybe whatever I am doing it’s not gonna make sense to anyone.

But I feel more free now and more like I have the power to make my own life, it’s only me who can tell who I am, no one else. And I know one thing for sure, I can never do anything the way it happened until now, or the way it should be happen, or in one word I can’t be the traditional one.

I got my own way and I am gonna do that way, everything, my way.

This blog post is about me starting my new journey.

I have always wanted love that’s the only thing I ever wanted. Used to make sure that people I love don’t get hurt because of me or ny actions.

When I was a kid I was more into Love-stories, especially the princess and fairy tales one. But growing up knowing that truth is much bigger than that.  Now I really wanna experience every kinda love; Like-friendship, family-love, romantic-love, (all kinda human connection) but most importantly “Self-love”. And trust me I didn’t ever thought that this is real kinda thing.

It is something which made me stronger from within, which taught me that I have a whole complete world inside of me. Yeah still I need people to share that world of mine with them.

And Love is all about sharing no matter what kinda love it is. Love is an invisible bond which connects all and make us a one-human world.

Happy COVID19. I know people will think I am crazy that I am wishing them happy when it’s so scary, but trust me what I am really wishing to everyone that we are together in this. That even though it’s scary, w’ll make it through by standing for each other. 

Nowadays it’s different than just few days back ,why? Because things changed inside my head. It’s so much peaceful and joyful inside me, because I started to accept what’s really real and start to appreciate what I already have.

Cause this no more feels like only a race or just a destination I wanna reach or the best prize I’ve been waiting for days; cause now it’s only a journey , my journey, and it became really beautiful one to keep walking this journey of mine.  I love and respect each and every moment as it is, I don’t wanna change anything or try to control I just wanna live freely, and that’s all I am trying.

I was telling myself that I was terrified of failing cause I wanna go to New York City real badly. But I was wrong cause I wasn’t scared really I was tired of listening to people, telling me my limitations, telling me right or wrong, or their perspective of my life and success. I was and still am scared of their opinions of failures and success.  But I realised now that I have never failed, I made mistakes, gone wrong sometimes but that’s my journey of living my moments of life.

My whole life I have always been scared to people’s opinions of me, they seeing my father as failed parent or successful. Trust me I have always hoped people to respect my father cause he’s got one of a kind “soul”, he got love for everyone and he doesn’t stop learning and he is a fighter. But now I realise who they people are whom I expect to respect my father, if they can’t see who my father really is that’s their problem that they are missing out on such a beautiful soul not me. Instead I am the lucky one to have him.

Almost for whole my life I was living in a world created by these people and not “as a human on the planet earth🌎. And now I ain’t going to pretend what I am not and I don’t believe in anything but being only a human and being here on with my mother earth🌎. And this is my journey and I love to have everything as a human, and thank you “the Universe” for loving me like both hale and heaven. ❤❤❤💛💙🧡💜💚💛🧡🧡💚🖤💗💓💓💓💓💗💞💞💕this is for you Mother Earth and the universe.

 

Was just watching Justin Bieber seasons ep 5, I think it is the best episode so far. Because I guess this is the episode which I felt related to, I felt and got thinking of the pain he’s been through. Like thinking of him going through some horrible things, like all the good opinions turning into bad. Having all those judgements about what he was doing but no one knowing that what he was going through.

How easily we make judgements on the only external things, only on actions, but never thinking the depth of thoughts and feelings behind those actions.

There are many times when I am trying to understand what’s really happening but I couldn’t understand. I believe it’s difficult for me to understand things on social media, I tell myself that I was wrong to assume that it mightn’t be the whole truth or maybe a lie. I just couldn’t accept it completely and then I start to fight myself telling that how can I assume that it’s wrong.                            The truth is that I don’t really judge it’s just hard for me to really accept the things I see, hear or read on the social media.  I feel lik i can understand things better when I am listening to you face to face, or can feel you in real.                         But then I get thoughts like what if I couldn’t really do it then also, I feel like what if I am not able to understand even then. It terrifies me cause the only thing I wanna do is experience Love, feel connected and belonged, wanted to become part of our human world. And the most important key for making connection is “understanding and acceptance”. I feel scared what if I ain’t gonna have that key skills. 

I think am I really this kinda person? Cause I want to be that person who listens to others, understand them. I always question myself that why do I think I wanna become person like that, or I think what if I don’t wanna be there in future,where I wanna be right now.

It’s like whole lotta questions, doubts, judgements going through my mind and I get stuck in it. And it bothers me a lot. I wanna stop thinking like this but I feel like I just keep doing that no matter what.

I don’t really understand why I keep doing that, I have Self-doubts, Self-criticism and lotta things making me feel like I am doing wrong.  But still all I wanna do is experience love and connection. That’s all that matters to me. Love ❤ is all I need and have. And I guess even in these all doubts and judgements and expectations I will just be able to have that.