I got in my dream school but I’m hoping for more than that, the only thing that matters to me, and that is going to that place.

I wanna go to that place, cause I have me there. “Me” who I am hiding inside me, who hasn’t said (what I really wanted to say) anything for years. “Me”,who is just wanna be real, be who I really am and stop pretending.

Every day, every moment I just think about “me”,imagine me in that place and doing that I feel, I feel me, feel love. I think of everything I could be, everything that I didn’t do cause everyone else told me not acceptable.

I just wanna live like I always feel inside, I wanna be real, I wanna say what I feel, do what I like and if I don’t  I won’t.

I have lot to say but I just don’t know I am not able to understand and translate my feelings into words.

Love- I have known this word for so long but I never really understand it before now. I have questioned myself almost every time that why I have decided to move to USA, and that made me realise the Love. A feeling of something like touching my soul, feeling it, seeing myself, hear my voice and welcome it however the way is.

I was trying to convince myself that I know how my life will be there, but this is wrong, the truth is that I don’t know how even the first second in there I will spend.  What I really know is how I feel about me being in there place. What I know is how I feel when I think of myself walking on these streets of bronx,or seeing myself walking on the beach,or feeling that fresh air for the first time in a place which will remind me of what really love is, what self -love is.

I have always come across this question that what’s so special about USA, and this is what I have learned.  Yeah there are thousands of beautiful places on this planet. And yeah I don’t know allow them, but among the few I have found what I needed but I didn’t know.

USA gives me hope, love and dream of having my life. A life in which I am gonna try to give less priority to other opinions and more about mine. I will learn to love myself no matter how the things will gonna be, I will try to understand the imperfection in my life and this world.

Yeah maybe I could have been anywhere else or maybe nowhere, but I have become lucky to even have this thought and chance of creating my life. I have seen different places and stories of people and their lives,  but the way I feel about USA, I haven’t ever feel that way for anywhere.  The people there, their language, their stories, their music it’s like this is who I am, it’s like I am looking at me, hearing my own stories,  when I hear their stories of pain I can feel that pain, when I see those people crying I also wanna cry.                          It’s difficult for me to trust people but they made me trust them, they taught me how to love myself, they taught me to be who I am today.

I think if I know the person I am today it’s only because USA is become part of my life.

It’s weird how I come to this point,  I only dreamt of getting education but now all I care is to Live and Fall in love with myself deeply,  and that’s what USA is, a place which is teaching me self-love everyday.

 

 

 

Nothing’s clear, I don’t know what’s happening with me.  I am badly confused and it’s like there’s something on my mind that’s not going away.  Like it’s not ending.  Why I am always questioning about me going there,is it really important to think this much about that?

Why something inside me keep questioning that why I love my life in nyc, that what if it’s same there, what if I will regret?

The truth is I am not afraid of all these questions.  It’s like it has become a habit of mine to keep questioning and answering those questions and this is bad for me and my mental health.  Because I can free my mind even for a moment,  I can’t shut it down.

I feel like whenever I stop watching those stories that opens my heart,  that touches my heart like no one ever, things like this happens then also but things becomes easy.

The most difficult part that I can’t talk about it to anyone. Cause I just couldn’t.

I feel like I myself trying to stop myself from being happy,  cause my heart, my soul knows the happiness, the peace I feel when I picture myself in The bronx, USA.  How free and great I feel when I think of all those things I can do, and the way I can be there.

I see myself walking on those not so crowded streets of the bronx, which tells different stories on it’s own.  The way I feel when I imagine myself looking all the other people doing their own things at orchard beach or looking at the sun at any railway station in the bronx.

I feel like it’s all wrong,  it’s like I am telling myself that this all is a big mistake,  and the truth is there is fight between what I feel about me being in the bronx and that something telling me that I shouldn’t think about it.

I don’t know what’s happening, I think the best way is leave things the way it is, cause I don’t know what’s happening, what I want. I’m gonna try to stop trying to make sense of it,  cause it’s extremely painful.

Since yesterday I was questioning myself, judging myself for choosing me. Questioning myself that I am wrong, what if things will be same and everything will be a disaster and I will regret everything.

But today I funk about all those questions,  I don’t give a damp about anything making me feel bad for choosing me over anything for the very first time in my whole life.  I give a fuck to everything telling me wrong and selfish,  cause now I found myself,  I have seen myself for the first time,  I can feel myself for the very first time,  and most importantly USA is my place cause I have chosen it for myself,  for the very first time I have made a choice for me. I know it’s gonna be fucking difficult every single day, cause that inner self -doubting voice is gonna keep coming but like this time I am gonna fuck it everytime. Cause I wanna do it all for only me. Whether it’s good or bad, best or worst in my own world it’s gonna be mine and I’ll have it, cause it’s mine.

I have come acrossed this scaring feeling of going to USA, thinking that what if things would be same there too, what if I also can’t be who I really wanna be and things won’t be really changed.  Yeah this scares me many times and I always try to fight with this feeling telling myself that things would be different, but the confused me can’t just relax.

But I think the truth is that I don’t know what will really happen, how things will be, have no idea. But the truth is that I don’t need to know that, all I wanna is be me, whether things gonna be different or same I am gonna be there. Cause I am not going there for anything else but me. Me going to USA is all about me. I am pretty sure that I don’t wanna be here. And I don’t know how much sure I am about to be in USA and how my life will be.

But I wanna go there to start from the beginning, from scratch, I wanna be there to create my life.

It’s weird as I am forcing myself to feel something I don’t wanna or understand something I couldn’t and I need to know that it’s okay. It’s okay when things feel confusing,  when nothing seems clear and have no clear way out.  It’s okay.

 

I get scared easily, actually almost every day of worst. Whenever I hear something bad happening outside, its scares me of all the worst possibilities and it holds me like I am tied up in an iron chain that I can’t break.

I feel like looking over the worst, I am missing on the beauty of the world. That how beautiful this world is even it’s so broken, that even it’s like dieing day by day there is hope,hope for love. I really feel worst cause of all these fears I have, but I am realising that in order of doing that I am missing out on something so precious and beautiful,i.e. love. If I am holding up still cause I know there’s love,hope, and there’s my life.

Even though these feelings I don’t like to have and come across often, but this also is a feeling which make me feel that I am alive, that I am feeling something.

What I am really scared of right now is someone else’s judgement can decide for me, I feel like I am not free to do what I wanna do, free to choose, and free to be. Otherwise I don’t think so I would still be here. I don’t maybe I am seeing narrowly, but still it’s a truth right now. But still I am gonna keep going. Yup that’s it for today.

Have no idea why I am feeling the way I am feeling right now. It definitely started with that incident of a girl get raped and burned by 4 people.

And after that I just don’t what’s happening with me, it’s just I couldn’t able to feel anything, think about other things. It’s like I got stuck into that one moment. I have no idea, why?

I just couldn’t understand that what can I do or would have done. Why I am having this weird feeling. It’s been almost 3 days since that day. I just don’t know what’s happening. And when I am gonna get out of this vicious cycle. It’s not that I didn’t feel this way before, but it’s just pretty difficult to overcome.

This is how I was just thinking. But, now I am thinking that yeah this is the truth of this world, this is how it is. The world I am living in right now is broken, there is every kinda challenges here. So either I can just be scared and hope that one day things will be changed on it’s own, or I can step ahead and make the change. Al least that change, without it i can never become who I really want-a human –  just trapping inside my head isn’t gonna change anything rather I need to act, and I will. I will make my idea an step of mine to create that change, which will help in creating the world I wanna live in. A world where people know that love is all they need, where truth is the most sweetest gift anyone can give. A world where we will share the pain and help each other to heal and live better.

I know it won’t happen today or tomorrow, but it’ll happen. Because I am gonna try, cause there’s no way I can live like this, just thinking and hurting myself for something I couldn’t do about. Of course I can’t make someone think like me, but I am pretty sure that I can show people what’s the power of love is.

I am choosing Love over anything or everything. Because I wanna have a world of love.

I was feeling this really depressing feeling whenever a really inhumane incident of a”girl raped and burned alive”, comes through my mind.       Everyone around me is saying punish those culprits to death or this is really bad news n all.                                         But I don’t think this way, this is really disturbing for me, and yet this feeling make me ask myself a question. Do I really believe that by killing one for other is gonna stop these inhumanity. Does all these sex offenders has always been inhumane or there is something we are overlooking?

I believe we are overlooking that it’s not the person is bad or good, it’s the belief, it’s the mentality and all this norms that’s trying to tie us into something so small. I feel like this labels telling men and women to be different, and superior-inferior, all these things are not working for us, us as a whole human world.

I believe the problem is the belief, the problem is that the person doing inhumane doesn’t feel inhumane, cause they have no Idea about being human.

I believe what we really need to understand that we all are equal and Human. I believe that if we really want our world is to be livable for everyone then we need to understand ourselves the best. All emotions inside, jealousy, insecurities, fears, everything.  So that we can understand what it really means. Those inhumans need to be human again, those people needs to be realised that what they have done, they don’t need to die and shouldn’t die to make our world “a real human world”, but they need to be compassionate, they need to be an empath , they need to be a human.

I want them to feel the pain they cause someone, or loss they made to someone. What’s they really need is to be alive again as a Human, and take responsibility of what they have done. I don’t know this feeling is  so difficult to overcome, so I feel if they can understand the guilt, and if they themselves can understand this that what they did was inhumane, world will change. This is what we really need to do. Make ’em realise that they are wrong, they are guilty, cause they are part of our world, and even though they don’t know it they are also a human, a human with heart and all the complex feelings with it.

I have always felt like i have no answers to the questions people asks me. Like right now, introducing myself. And i feel like i haven’t anything to say about that,  but yes i have something to tell them about myself.

Since the moment I have realised that there is a voice inside me that i constantly hear, is totally different than people think or would think i am.          Yeah to me who i am is a human who is trying to understand their feelings and emotions.  Because there’s not a single moment when it’s not there. Whether it’s the feeling of insecurity or fear or feeling like not enough or being judged. 

I do not like to label myself as anything but human simply. I want everyone to know that all those mountains they wanna climb i am not interested. No i don’t wanna be successful or established or settled.  I just wanna breath the air, walk on the roads with no one around, talking to trees and river, crying out loud and scream at the top of my lungs and nobody’s listen. I just want to be who i already am, just a human, i just wanna experience every feelings of being  a human.

I am passionate about love, cause it makes me feel bigger and much more than anyone can know. Love makes me feel alive and feel connected to this life i already have. To me it’s the purest and the most precious possession that we human can have. Love makes me feel understood,  love never discriminates not categories you, you don’t know the love you feel the love. And i love to feel the love.

Through college i expect to know that part of me which i couldn’t able to explore, because i was too scared to be on my own. Because i never tried hard enough to push all the other voices except me. So i wanna be in college to let my voice free, let me be heard and speak myself out loud.

Always hated the moments make me feel helpless, and no other choice.  It’s the worst place to be in. And by nature, we kinda always blamed the other person that that person was responsible for my pain. But the truth is i am the one who is responsible for this most difficult feeling.                                         Like, today i was trying so hard to make sure that the other person behaves nicely to everyone, and it was my perspective of being nice. That time i couldn’t really understand and was mad to the hale because of the person not even listening to me. That person,is one of my family members, so yeah i kinda tried to make sure that no one see us as a family, bad.

But now i am realizing, that it just doesn’t matter.The way she behaves it’s her thing not mine. I am not and couldn’t ever be responsible for someone else’s mistakes or actions. I can never control other’s action, and this is what i am learning now.